Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly
‘They were everywhere, I’m so bitter,’ says woman
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
Haley Ridder, local Vancouver resident, has lived in the Kitsilano for over 40 years. She has spent the last 30 of those years running her successful salt lamp store, Sacred Salt.
“I’ve been told over and over that I’m just so salty,” said Ridder. “So I thought, ‘Why not surround myself with what I am?’ I’ve made quite a living selling my stupid salt lamps to stupid idiots.”
Ridder’s peaceful, salty existence was interrupted last Wednesday when, around 3 p.m., a large team of horses—brown in colour and hungry in motive—flooded into her small store.
“Suddenly, they were everywhere!” said Ridder. “They shoved their way into my store through the windows and through the front door. They even bust in through my Employees Only door, which didn’t make any sense to me since I haven’t even hired any horses.”
The horses then began licking every salt lamp in the store, absorbing their mineral content while simultaneously freaking everybody out. Customers quickly fled the scene, leaving Ridder to solve the problem herself. However, despite her efforts, the horses refused to budge.
“I tried so many ways to get them to leave; I was swearing at them, trying to shove them with my stupid salt broom, but their dumb faces just kept on licking the dumb lamps,” said Ridder. “I thought once they finished the lamps they would leave, but they just started licking me after all the lamps were gone.”
Ridder tried talking shit behind their backs by ranting about horses on social media, but they refused to take the hint to leave her alone.
“I even blocked all the horses on Facebook and Twitter, but that did nothing. They’re just too smart for me.”
Eventually, Ridder got a reply on her Facebook post; a friend suggested that she call a horse whisperer.
“My first thought was ‘Who is this stupid person, I don’t remember having any dumb Facebook friends,’” said Ridder. “But then I thought it was actually a good idea.”
Ridder contacted Jackson Stradtler, local horse guy, and within 10 minutes he was on the scene.
“Luckily, I was already in the area,” said Stradtler. “I had just finished shooing a bunch of hungry horses away from a Kitsilano grocery store.”
Upon arrival, Stradtler forced his way into the store and quickly got the large animals’ attention.
“I yelled ‘Hey! Horses!’ and they listened,” said Stradtler. “They always listen when you say that. They know what they are.”
Stradtler then proceeded to use his highly-trained horse skills to get them to exit the building by telling them to “Get the hell of the building.” The horses listened, pouring out of Ridder’s store and onto the unsuspecting Kitsilano streets, leaving the store saltless, but still standing.
“Stupid goddamn horses,” said Ridder, “Now my windows are broken, and the salt lamps are gone until my next shipment comes in. I guess I’ll just go back to arguing on the internet until I get everything fixed.”
