Canucks start season off on the wrong skate

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Unexpected controversy rocks organization (again)

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Just when Canucks fans thought that they were safe, a whole goalie controversy has erupted during the opening of the regular season.

Following the trade of second-string netminder and Vancouver favourite Eddie Lack, the Canucks were left with starter Ryan Miller and backup Jacob Markström.

Miller was set to play the Canucks’ opening game against the Flames in Calgary, until a last minute deal was struck that moved both Miller and Markström to Florida.

We spoke to GM Trevor Linden about the trade: “Yeah, it had to be done. There was just so much goalie controversy over the past few years in Vancouver, we were done with it. In fact, this was the plan all along. People call Vancouver the ‘Goalie Graveyard,’ and rightly so. We don’t have any goalies left!”

When asked if that meant that the Canucks didn’t receive a goalie during the trade to Florida, Linden laughed.

“Hell, we didn’t get anything! Well, other than the comfort of knowing we won’t have to deal with any more of those big padded weirdoes anymore. Honestly, they’re such divas.”

With the net empty, the Canucks have elected to go for a six-player approach, revolutionizing their game and intimidating the other NHL teams.

“I mean, teams do it all the time in the last few minutes of the game. And look how many goals they end up scoring? Just think how great we will be offensively with a whole extra player the entire game. It will be like we are constantly on the power play,” Linden said.

“Besides, you don’t see any goalies in other major sports, and just look how big of a scoring area football has! It’s an out-dated system and we’re going to show the sporting world something game-changing.”

The Canucks lost to the Flames 22–15 last Wednesday, in the highest scoring game in the history of hockey.

We talked to one of the Sedins (the ginger one with the goatee) shortly after the game.

“Yeah uh we tried our best, but the effort wasn’t there. We just have uhh a few kinks we need to work out and uh we’ll be winning more games,” Sedin said.

With the lack of goalie, the Canucks defence withstood 37 total blocked shots in the game, with three of them resulting in players having to leave the game due to related injuries.

“They’re just defencemen,” Linden said. “We can find more.”