Whole new family scavenged from alley

Washed, dried, and good as new!

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

Onlookers were stunned last Wednesday when local woman Sophie Zoonan happened upon a lightly used family in an alleyway in Kitsilano.

“Someone just left a perfectly good Family Unit out behind their house,” Zoonan said, dusting off her new mother. “It’s amazing what some people will throw away.”

Zoonan’s great find included a mother, father, older sister, and younger brother.

“I’ve heard about some people finding a whole family intact with a dog,” Zoonan said. “But you have to take what you can get.”

She found the family when she was skateboarding along the flat alleyways in Kits, where wealthy people often abandon used furniture and homeware for scavengers to pick up.

“I saw them just lying in a box next to the yard waste and lawn trimmings bin, and when I went to take a look, I saw that they were almost in mint condition. Judging by their clothes, I would go as far as to call them vintage. They’re going to look so cute in my apartment!”

Other Press reporters took photos of the Family Unit to an antiques dealer to see if the retail price could be determined.

“This seems to be a family model from the ’90s,” antiquarian Ronald Fawcett told reporters. “We’re looking at around $450 for the complete set. I see there’s some general wear and tear, and some dings on the brother’s front teeth and scrapes on the knees and elbows. You can see that these models aren’t as progressive or minimalistic as today’s models. Still, you can see the craftsmanship and general sturdiness that you just aren’t seeing in more modern families. All in all, Miss Zoonan deserves a congratulations.”

Despite Fawcett’s words, Zoonan had some qualms about how the vintage family was programmed. “The father comes with a built-in misogyny function that all fathers were programmed with back in the day. I might be able to take him to a shop to get jailbroken. And the mother has a virus that makes her prone to depression and anxiety. Still though, it’s one of my best finds. My other great find was a pressure cooker, so this is a close second.”

As far as her plans for the family?

“I’m going to hose them down in my backyard first, just to make sure there’s no risk of bedbugs,” Zoonan said. “Then I’ll probably use them for a photoshoot or two. I might get around to doing something big with them someday, but for now I think they’ll look really nice in my living or dining room.

Though multiple attempts to reach the previous owners of the family were made, no one was able to comment.

“Anyone who throws away a family just like that like that probably doesn’t want their name spread around,” Fawcett said. “The least they could do is recycle them. Absolutely disgusting.”