Will you pay more for better elevator service?

Image by Michelle Sweeney
Image by Michelle Sweeney

LiftLink plebiscite sparks controversy amongst Metro Vancouver

By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

The announcement of an upcoming LiftLink tax plebiscite has Metro Vancouver citizens up in arms—and ready to vote.

“I am very much against it, though I can’t quite tell you what it’s about!” said 34-year-old Gregpor Robertson.

LiftLink—the official company responsible for all the elevators in the city—is claiming the need for an eight per cent tax on literally everything in order to improve the speed, regularity, and general well-being of elevator service.

“We just need more money if you want us to do a better job,” said LiftLink CEO, E. Vil-Guy.

However, despite Vil-Guy’s solid argument, many citizens are voicing their concerns over the company’s poor history.

“LiftLink has been saying for years that they would improve service—but my elevator is always crazy slow. And it’s never on my floor when I need it! And don’t even get me started on their flopped KompasKard system,” cried regular elevator rider, Ariana Grande.

Indeed, the KompasKard system—a long-awaited and long-defunct $78-billion project that LiftLink claimed would improve the efficiency of elevator rides—is an excellent example of LiftLink’s legacy of ineptitude.

“Eh, well, just forget about that one,” said Vil-Guy, in response to questions about the KompasKard.

The LiftLink plebiscite will take place from April 1 to April 1, 2015. All registered elevator riders in Vancouver are eligible to vote, and voting cards will be available at select secret locations.