Woman self-cares to death

‘No amount of sparkly bath bombs could fix this’

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

Local paramedics were saddened to announce that local resident Didi Glass, 34, passed away last Friday evening.

“Ms. Glass’ death was a result of too much self-care,” John Rivera, the chief of police, told press. “We’re talking hair mask, nails, bath bombs—real perfume-y stuff.”

Glass was a substitute teacher who friends said had a “good heart,” but never really managed to make it work with anyone.

“She had two cats and, by the looks of it, fed them too much and too often,” Rivera said. “She also had framed pictures of the cats by her bed. Why anyone would do that, I don’t know. She could just look right at the cats.”

Besides her teaching job, Glass was a member of several crocheting and needlepoint clubs as well as a vocal member of the Tasty Facebook group.

“Looking through her internet history reveals she commented, ‘yum! MUST make this for the hubby,’ on several one-pot pasta videos,” Rivera reported. “We can’t say for sure, but we suspect she never made any of them—and she definitely didn’t have a husband.”

The exact cause of death is unknown, but Rivera and his team had several theories.

“It was clear to us that Ms. Glass had applied a charcoal mask at some point in the evening, as well as some Pantene Pro-V deep conditioner,” said Rivera. “Judging by the damp towel on the couch, she had most likely gotten out of the shower and sat there in a fugue state for about 40 minutes watching The Great British Baking Show.

“Ms. Glass’ accident probably happened when she went back into the shower. From the streaks of Essie’s ‘Forever Yummy’ polish on the shower door handle, she most likely slipped on the estimated 15 Lush bath products scattered about the floor. There was also a box of the cheapest red wine from the BC Liquor store next to the towel on the couch, which obviously played into the scene in a big way. There was no glass on site—she was probably drinking straight from the box.”

Other Press reporters spoke to Sharon Ross, whom Glass called her “BFF” in her hot pink journal that Rivera called “embarrassing for someone her age.” Ross was inconsolable at the time of the interviews.

“She was teaching eighth grade science and you know how eight graders can be,” Ross sobbed. “She texted me on her lunch break to tell me that they had started calling her ‘Ms. Ass’ and I felt so horrible that I suggested she take a night to herself and just unwind. Splurge on a nice hand cream from Sephora, a rotisserie chicken, and just relax, you know? Mental health is as important as physical health! She needed some ‘me’ time! This is all my fault!”

Before ending the press conference, Rivera had some closing remarks: “Let Ms. Glass’ fate be a lesson to us all. By all means, take care of your mental health and wellbeing. But not too much. Best to just push the stress deep down and let it fester into something much more serious and harder to handle. At least, that’s what I do—and you can trust me, I’m a cop.”