‘Every baby has the ability to take selfies,’ experts say
By Livia Turnbull, Humour Editor
A new trend is developing among the prenatal crowd. For years, researchers thought that the womb was the only place where people were immune to vanity. However, a new study shows that fetuses are just as narcissistic as the average teenager with a smartphone.
“Well, we didn’t know that fetuses liked to pose for their ultrasound photo. They seem to be making duck faces, which is something we didn’t know they had the capacity to do,” says Dr. Kinden, an obstetrician at Royal Columbian Hospital.
This discovery was soon followed by the revelation that newborn babies seem to have the ability to make rudimentary tweets.
“We’ve been gathering data from the tweets these newborns are sending,” says Kinden. “The question is, how on Earth did they learn to hashtag so fast?”
An average newborn tweet reads as follows: “Yo, check this out, I’m MALE BITCHES!!!!! #YOLO.”
Another newborn’s tweet reads, “Why can’t my mom play some Zeppelin instead of that Mozart crap? #FML.”
Although the newborns’ tweets often lack thought or development, the babies are clearly not far from showing the same proficiency as adult Twitter users. Further, the newborn tweets offer a glimpse into recently postnatal life.
“Hopefully, these tweets will give as a better understanding as to how the babies react once outside the womb,” says Kinden. “But right now, all the babies seem to be doing is taking photos of themselves and bragging. We all thought you had to be at least 12 years old to start doing that.”
Pro-life advocates have latched onto this new evidence that fetuses are capable of posing for ultrasounds and that newborns develop so rapidly in terms of tweeting ability, asserting that it further shows the personhood of fetuses.
“You can’t kill a baby, It’s almost no different than a person. Give it a smartphone and it is a person,” says Samantha DeBrille, a pro-life advocate. “Babies are smart. That’s why they shouldn’t die. They’re just smart people tweeting on smartphones—no different from you or I, even if they are in utero.“
This new scientific discovery may cause some major changes to Canada’s laws about abortion.