Your Horoscopes

See what the stars have planned for you!

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Here at the Other Press, we care about your future. So much so that we hired a psychic to start unveiling the ways of the stars for us. Here is what the universe has in store for you this week.

If today is your birthday…

Well, that’s a coincidence. What are the odds you’d pick up this paper on your birthday? Given our publication patterns we only had a week’s margin to catch you, and gosh darn it, we did the thing. Good for us! I guess what this means is that if today is your birthday, our psychic is worth the $10,000 per week retainer we’re spending on her. Please let us know if this is the case. Our business manager is worried.

ARIES (March 21–April 20)

You will meet a tall, dark stranger. In fact, you will meet many strangers. In transit, at work, at school, on the street, even in your local coffee shop. Strangers are everywhere. Due to your fiery and combative nature you will be tempted to kick one of these strangers in the shin for no discernible reason. Please do not do this. That stranger could be me. Only kick people you know in the shin; at least then, if they ask why, you’ll presumably be able to come up with at least five reasons on the spot.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

This week is a time for reflection. By this I mean, your reflection. You’ve been neglecting it. Perhaps your evil twin from the mirror dimension is lonely. Perhaps it’s tired of helping you slay your eyeliner, or search for stray eyebrow hairs. At the very least, please leave a bundle of flowers in front of your bathroom mirror to show your reflection you care. This will certainly brighten your countenance next time you look in the mirror.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

Now is the time. For what, you might ask? I don’t know. I’m psychic, not omniscient. Even so, you know deep in your heart what I’m talking about. Now is the time.

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

Things are looking up. You are looking up! You are looking up into a night without stars. The void expands before you. You cannot tell if you are looking up into the sky or looking down into an endless universe, stuck upside-down upon the planet’s surface by the powers of gravity. You don’t sleep well.

LEO (July 24–August 23)

This is the time to think about big concepts: careers, relationships, family ties. Just think about it. Maybe eat a salad. That’s not the psychic talking, that’s just good advice. Unless you’re allergic to salad, or don’t like it, in which case never mind.

VIRGO (August 24–September 23)

New opportunities are coming your way. They’re coming your way very fast. If you’re nimble enough, you might be able to dodge them. After all, no one wants to take a new opportunity straight to the face, right? Quick, here comes one now!

LIBRA (September 24–October 23)

That thing you told that one person you might do at some point has something that makes it impossible to do maybe within a few minutes but also if you try hard you might do it and anyway it might not be all that important to begin with so take some time to think about the fallout from this significant or insignificant task and whether or not that one person who had nothing to do with any of it might be affected by the emotional or physical or geographical ramifications of the thing you may or may not do.

SCORPIO (October 24–November 22)

Roll for initiative.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23–December 21)

The days are getting longer, the nights are getting shorter. The grass is getting greener, the air is getting warmer. The small are getting taller, and you are getting older. There’s a freckle shaped like Charlemagne that’s sitting on your shoulder.

CAPRICORN (December 22–January 20)

Now is the time to share the dankest of memes. However, in doing so, you will be contributing to the detriment of modern society and bringing forth the end of days. I wouldn’t worry about that too much.

AQUARIUS (January 21­–February 19)

It’s not your birthday anymore. Sucks to be you.

PISCES (February 20–March 20)

This is your time. Your time to shine. Buy all the expensive highlighters you can. Bathe your face in it. If they can’t see you from space, you’re not taking advantage of the opportunity you have here. Shine, shine now, shine before it’s too late!!!