Zombies or Vampires?

An argumentative essay on an age-old question

By Morgan Hannah, Life & Style Editor


Roughly around 2008, the world fell into a vampire frenzy that produced works such as Twilight, True Blood, and The Vampire Diaries. Teens across the Northern Hemisphere went insane for these sparkly, sensual, and fanged creatures. They fantasized about being swept up off their feet—literally—by a cunning, pleasantly old-fashioned, and well-mannered Vampire. Back then, everyone wanted to be woven into the coven of everything wonderful regarding these ancient undead beasts.

Vampires are extremely beautiful, utterly vicious blood-sucking creatures with vast accumulations of wealth and worldly experience. These monsters are perceived as regal and impudent, and are often very educated, possessing the ability to blend in amongst the living—the side effect of having been undead for many a decade. However, we must not forget that vampires use their attractiveness and alluring qualities, including their mental capacity, to manipulate their victims into wanting to be feasted upon. Short of essentially being allergic to garlic, holy water, and sunlight, these calculating, enchanting beings have caused much anguish—and don’t intend to stop anytime soon.

Then in 2010 and 2013, titles such as The Walking Dead, World War Z, and Warm Bodies emerged, and again teens all across delved deeper into the passion for the grotesque with zombies. These creatures, although more terrifying in appearance, seem to have fewer weaknesses than the vampire and a stronger compulsion for their purpose. Now a new dilemma has been formed, and much like these two horrifying undead monsters, it needs to be put to rest: Are vampires better than zombies?

The results of an anonymous poll conducted by the Other Press suggest that vampires still top the charts and break all those hearts, and there’s only one shallow answer as to why—eight out of every ten poll-takers voted for vampires, stating they’re more salacious than zombies. Polltakers commented on how charming a vampire’s age-old, culturally centred life must be. Vampires are romanticized to the moon and back, and zombies are rarely even given a second glance. But reviewing the facts more closely may reveal that there is more to zombies than meets the eye.

To get a straight answer as to which of these undead brutes takes the cake, my argument rests firmly with one more question: Which of these monsters would you rather be? A manipulative, vicious blood-sucking monster that lives out its life alone in the nighttime—always waiting for permission to enter, and always having to con its victim into being the prey? Or a mumbly, grumbly, bumbling zombie who spends its days roaming in a group of its kind. With a zombie, what you see is what you get. Though it may not be a pretty picture—all that wobbly rotting flesh and loose limbs—at least it’s a straightforward one. The zombie’s only mission is to hunt for human flesh—and brains—which is a diet high in protein and DHA, an important source of Omega 3 fatty acids. Consequently, as a result of wandering endlessly looking for those brains, zombies get an unparalleled amount of exercise. A vampire’s body is a toss up—if you’re turned when you’re more on the plump side, you’ll forever remain on the plump side.

Zombies may be slowly rotting away, but who wants to live forever anyway? What kind of existence is that? As a vampire, your life would remain completely unchanged from the day you became a vampire… and additionally all your loved ones will die around you. Unless you change them too—which puts some heavy pressure on your relationship choices.

Choose to be the healthy socialite zombie over the conning loner vampire. See the difference for yourself!