Douglas students reach critical levels of boredom

Students’ attention spans dive as finals near

By Chandler Walter, Contributor

A recent survey of Douglas College students is baffling specialists and professors alike. It has been found that at least 85 per cent of students “do not actually get around to doing homework when they mean to.”

It appears that the closer exams are, or the more homework there is piled up, the more prone to distractions students seem to become.

“I don’t know what happened,” student Kevin Jung told the Other Press as he sat in the library with his books and papers scattered in front of him. “I showed up after lunch and I just, I got really interested in counting how many dots there were in the ceiling. Then the library was closed.”

It is terrible incidents like this that leave students scrambling at the last minute.

Some try to escape the wildly fascinating distractions of the library by studying elsewhere, though even this strategy often does not seem to work out too well.

As was the case for poor Hannah-Belle Lancaster, who turned off her phone and computer and locked herself in her room, yet recently set the Guinness World Record for “Most Flowers Drawn on the Outside of a Page.”

Lancaster, unfortunately, was unable to comment on the situation, as she was too busy drawing flowers on the outsides of her pages.

With the growing influence of social media and besotted birds (is that still a thing?) students have inexhaustible excuses for excluding themselves from their seemingly endless workload.

It seems to be a pandemic that affects us all, from philosophy majors to criminology tutors, even to you, dear reader. Yes, you. Don’t you have some better use for your time? Of course you do. But don’t worry, it can wait until tonight/tomorrow morning at 4 a.m., can’t it?