Local mountains making big changes due to warmer winters

No snow = new outlook

By Chandler Walter, Distribution Manager

The warm weather we’ve had over the past few winters has gotten the owners of the local ski mountains reconsidering the potential uses of their sky-top real estate.

With Mount Beymour being closed for the most part of this season, they’ve decided to cancel all future plans of continuing as a ski/snowboard area. Instead they’ve elected to open up as “sky-watching mountains” with state-of-the-art telescopes and guided astrological tours. Price of admission, however, will remain the same, and you can pick up a star-gazing season pass for as little as $545.

Brouse Mountain was lucky enough to receive some snow this winter, but has also decided against remaining open to skiers and snowboarders. In a recent press conference Brouse Mountain’s PR manager told the public, “It is an unfortunate necessity that Brouse will be closed to the public, but with our recent statistical analysis we have found that it would be more profitable to just sell our snow to the company 7-11 to use for their Slurpees.” Brouse Mountain also stated that they will remain open for all those who enjoy the thrill of riding their creaky and unstable gondola.

Cypass, on the other hand, has taken a more reasonable approach to the situation.

“We are not worried about snow for these future seasons,” said Jane Oakridge, the head of the Cypass Management Committee. “We have been working nonstop to ensure that we will remain open for the entirety of the snowboarding season.” When asked how much of their budget would be going towards new snow-making machines, Oakridge looked confused.

“No, no, no, that’s not what we mean at all. We’ve funnelled all of our budget into a team of professional snow summoners. They will be dancing 24/7 at the very peak of Cypass mountain to sway the storm-gods in our favour with their power crystals.”

When we asked to meet these magical beings, however, it appeared that they had taken the advance payment given for the purchase of the “power crystals” and hitchhiked their way down the Trans-Canada highway.