This just in

Once trendy issues remain literal things

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Millennials of 2015 have been shocked to learn that certain issues that they were in complete support or opposition of many years ago still remain actual things today.

Tracy Allen, a second year student at UBC, wrote in a tweet three years ago: “#StopKony2012 we all need to work together to help the invisible children!” When asked recently how her fight against Kony went she replied “Who?” and explained that she had believed that Joseph Kony had been killed by “whoever made that video or whatever.”

After the release of the documentary Blackfish, Chad Kelly, a self-proclaimed “keyboard warrior,” wrote a 400-word Facebook status condemning Sea World and any other institutions that kept orca whales imprisoned. We caught up with Kelly and asked him what more he did to fight the good fight against those oppressing the beautiful sea creatures. “Well, I wrote that Facebook status,” Kelly said, “and then I got into a really long argument with my uncle in the comments section of the post. I ruined a family relationship for those animals. I think that counts as enough.” Kelly had no comment about the recent status of the orcas in captivity, but was sure that someone else is probably still doing something about it.

Meanwhile, many who were adamantly opposed to American assistance during the Ebola outbreak in Africa have been left unaware about the ongoing struggle. It wasn’t until November 7 that the outbreak was officially declared over in Sierra Leone, prompting curiosity from local Vancouverite Bill Naiker. “I thought it was all over after the Americans who got infected came over with it. The world, that is. Seemed like we were all about to die. After that scare I figured that Ebola was just… cured?” Naiker had been adamantly opposed to allowing anyone from the entire continent of Africa to travel, stating in a 2014 blog post that that would lead to “the end of days.”

That’s an idea that is still being held onto by 2012 apocalypse believer Jessica Kwon, who had sold all of her worldly belongings to “live it up” prior to the much-speculated doom of December 21, 2012. Kwon has, somehow, maintained this belief long after its relevance and trendiness wore off, leaving her as the last person to do so. “The Mayan calendar was just… a little off,” Kwon explained. “Don’t you worry: the doom will come to us all.”