Four out of five dentists agree fifth dentist is insane

Court action taken to revoke fifth dentist’s licence

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Over the past two weeks, a riveting court case has been in the spotlight of America’s eyes and ears. The renowned “Fifth Dentist Debacle” has pushed all other news coverage aside as it enters its final day at court.

Four prominent dentists in the industry, also known as the “Gang of Four,” have come forward to end the career and incite the expulsion of the fifth dentist from both the toothpaste recommendation committee and the practice of dentistry entirely.

“How mad must a man be…,” said the fourth dentist, in the first of many court appearances, “To not recommend the use of Crest Oral-B Fluoride healthy teeth solutions! It is obviously a healthy part of a healthy mouth.” To that the other three dentists nodded in agreement, while the fifth dentist looked on, silently, from the witness stand.

One week ago the second dentist had to be escorted out of the courthouse by security when he made a move to physically attack the fifth dentist, screaming: “YOU’RE DESTROYING THE ENAMEL OF AMERICA!” This incident occurred shortly after a heated debate regarding the number of times an average person should brush. All four dentists agreed that a brush after every meal was mandatory, while the fifth dentist insisted once a week would suffice.

He has been attacked time and again by all four other dentists over two weeks, and now he has finally been given the time to fully speak his case.

“I know why you stand against me, brethren,” the fifth dentist stated to the court, though he seemed to speak only to the other four dentists in the room. “You fear for your craft, as do we all in this doomed time. Look not to me for answers, I am only the balancer of the scales. You need me as much as I need you, for no brand of toothpaste must ever reach a five out of five dentists recommendation, lest the cavity creeps take us all.”

The Gang of Four spoke privately before the official judgement was cast, and returned to call off the entire case. The first dentist spoke to media vaguely about “the balancing of the brushes” and how the prophecy must not come to fruition. The four dentists left without saying another word to the fifth dentist. He had disappeared before the media had an opportunity to interview him, though no one states that they saw him leave the room.