Man acquitted of murder

Jury deemed the defendant too likeable

By Rebecca Peterson, Staff Writer

It was a trial that shocked only the very few left in this world who have yet to have their spirit broken by society.

John White, 31, walked out of the courtroom a free man last week after the court ruled overwhelmingly in his favour during a murder trial that many thought was fairly clear-cut and simple.

White was arrested for the murder of neighbour Ben Dover two years ago after a friendly disagreement turned violent.

The prosecution was dumbfounded by White’s acquittal.

“We have security footage of him repeatedly stabbing Dover in the chest with a pair of garden shears,” said prosecutor Kirsten Blue, who looked dead-eyed and hopeless as she spoke to reporters on Monday. “Those shears were found in the defendant’s bedroom, still covered in Dover’s blood. White had blood under his fingernails that matched Dover’s DNA. In a recent journal entry, White wrote a passage that reads, and I quote, ‘Ben Dover is a f—ing piece of human s— who I would love to stab with a sharp object. In fact, I’m actively planning to stab Ben Dover with a sharp object.’ We’ve confirmed this is White’s handwriting, as well. He has no alibi, and many witnesses saw him entering Dover’s residence that day, and leaving covered in a large amount of crimson liquid, likely blood.”

With such overwhelming evidence against White, it was difficult to believe he was found to be not guilty.

“The thing you have to understand about John is that he’s a really nice guy,” a neighbour explained to the press. “Everyone likes him. He remembers my name, my kid’s name—hell, he even baked cupcakes for a school fundraiser. Murderers do not bake cupcakes.”

“I saw him pet a dog, once,” said one of the jury members. “He was very sweet about it. And he said he liked my blouse. I just don’t believe he could have done such a thing.”

“If anyone did it, it was probably Dover himself,” said one member of White and Dover’s community, who was shaking his head. “Yeah, I could see it. Doing it just to put John behind bars. Probably stabbed himself with the shears and everything. He always seemed like the manipulative, dramatic type. It was probably some kind of blackmail.”

When asked how such a blackmail would work—given that Dover is now deceased—the man seemed somewhat confused. After a moment, he shook his head and said, “Whatever. It was definitely Dover’s fault. John just wouldn’t do something like that, he has friends and family and stuff. No murderer in the history of our country has ever had friends, or family, or did anything nice for anyone, ever. It just doesn’t happen.”

White has declined to comment on the matter, and has returned to his home. To celebrate his release, many of his neighbours organized a block party for him. White was last seen petting a cat and making small talk with a senior citizen.

Perhaps the jury was right after all.