Coo-coo bananas for unrealistic television
By Sonam Kaloti, Arts Editor
Let’s cut to the chase: I’ve heard enough about Riverdale’s “bad writing.” The entire world likes to roast it, and everyone can just stop talking about it because I’m going to settle this once and for all.
Some might say the dialogue in Riverdale is “coo-coo bananas,” and they would be right. In case you haven’t noticed—it’s weird. It doesn’t fit in, and it doesn’t want to fit in. But…is that the truth?
Dialogue in most fictional shows is unnatural. There’s a simple solution as to why though: because it’s a fictional world! What, you think Riverdale’s line “I’m so over the toxic masculinity in this hallway right now!” is more abnormal than the line “I am the dragon’s daughter, and I swear to you that those who would harm you will die screaming.” Yes, the latter is a line straight out of Game of Thrones. Yes, GoT is a fictional world and that excuses the fact that no kings, queens, or dragons talk like this in real life. Oh what, dragons don’t exist in real life? Neither do the following characters from the Riverdale universe: Papa Poutine, the Black Hood, or Sabrina from Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.
Let’s pull this “coo-coo bananas” line back. If you were a real hefty Canadian connoisseur like yours truly, you would be reminded by the most iconic female lead of all time: Manny Santos (Cassie Steele) of Degrassi: The Next Generation. I like to imagine that she is the embodiment of the sass and confidence that the Riverdale writers are trying to emulate with Cheryl Blossom. Manny’s scene with her thong showing above her jean waistline alone can inspire a character fitting of Cheryl Blossom. Let’s not even get started on how Emma Nelson of Degrassi is a poster child for the “innocent only on the outside” character frame, exactly like Miss Betty Cooper.
What I’m getting at is that these characters and their weird personalities, dialogue, and mannerisms aren’t ground-breaking, so I agree they can be classified as “no-good” due to their unoriginality. But the characters are getting heat because they’re not written to act like normal people in the real world, and this is, in my humble opinion, ridiculous. Get your priorities straight, people!
If there’s anything to be angry about, it would be the plot writing. So many good potential plots are just thrown into the Riverdale black hole. From Jughead getting addicted to G&G, Betty getting brainwashed at the Sisters, to just losing the high school dynamic which brought in most of Riverdale’s original fanbase in the first place, the show has lost touch with what would really come as a shock to the audience.
Viewers have been plot-twisted so much that they’re wrung out. What the show needs now is a solid foundation where the story can evolve from being a cluster of teens playing adults and running around the town murdering anyone to something that takes time to build and ties up all the loose ends from every season. Here’s hoping season four does just that.
Riverdale returns October 9.