When two dads try to out dad each other
By Joseph Astana, Contributor
Soon the middle class, suburban rivalry began to spiral out of control; each man gained an inch on his beer belly trying to outsize the other.
Terry and Bill had been engaged in an epic battle since 7 pm August 12, 2003. On that faithful evening, both men had pulled into the parking lot of the local hospital, pregnant wives in tow only to find one available parking spot. The two men had sized each other up when they first entered the lot. Terry in his blue Ford and Bill in his black Chevy. As the two men drove in circles looking for a spot and waiting for a car to leave, each knew there could only be one couple stepping into the hospital to deliver their first baby. Here was where their epic Dad rivalry was born.
Terry struck the first blood when a green Civic pulled out and he deftly maneuvered his blue F150 into the waiting spot. Bill and his chevy and to circle twice more before a grey Focus vacated its spot. But the score was soon settled when Bill took the last Ikea crib just as Terry came down the aisle.
Each man knew the coveted “#1 Dad” coffee mug was on the line. Grilling rights and leaf blower privileges were at stake, while their sons grew older. Neither man could bare the thought of an out of place or too long blade of grass; every Sunday was a competitive effort to make the best chilly and twice baked potato platter for the Sunday football game. No TV was big enough for the man cave, no light set was too bright for the annual Christmas competition, no ghoul was too scary for the Halloween season.
Soon the middle class, suburban rivalry began to spiral out of control; each man gained an inch on his beer belly trying to outsize the other. Their two sons, born on the same day were forced to join all of the sports teams even though both were as unskilled as the other; somehow, this served to embarrass each father as the wrongly assumed the others son to be a titan captaining each team and bullying their own son.
When the two men met, hearty laughs and back slapping followed horrible and cheesy jokes were exchanged. Soon a circle would form around them and their Home Depot antics like a rap battle in some New York movie:
“Why did the farmer go to the studio?”
“I don’t know Terry, why?”
“To sell his beets.”
Not to be outdone, Bill responded with: “Whats Poseidons favorite laundry detergent?”
“… I dunno.”
Their wives hid their faces and their sons nearly died from embarrassment as the two men tried to out dad each other.