Bitchy Horoscopes

You’re reading these again?!

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

So here I am, sitting at my computer with my sixth case of tonsillitis in two years, sweating out of every pore and holding a bag of frozen peas around my neck—and you want me to look into the starry night sky to determine your future?! Can’t you just wait and see what happens? Or are you too good to wait like a normal person? Ugh, fine. Time to examine the heavens to see what’ll happen this week to your sorry ass.

Aries

This week you’re going to say something really stupid in front of a group of people who you want to impress (because you’re a brown-noser like that). If you think they didn’t catch it, you’re sorely mistaken. They literally laugh about it the minute you leave the room.

Taurus

That daring new outfit choice you’ve been crafting in your head? Yeah, I wouldn’t try it if I were you. Remember Coco Chanel’s advice about taking one accessory off before leaving the house? I recommend not leaving the house at all.

Cancer

Uh-oh, you really did it this time! You’ve forgotten something big, and by the time you remember, it’ll be too late to shittily craft it together. The worst part is you have no one to blame but yourself, sorry ’bout it!

Leo

That new sweetie you’ve been trying to impress? Bad news, Leo. They already have their eyes set on a new cat in town and it ain’t you. Nurse your feelings with a pint of ice cream—I’m sure that’ll make you feel better.

Gemini

Listen, it’s time for some tough love. Maybe “putting yourself out there” should be switched to “keeping yourself inside.” Try brushing up on some key tactics like “how to have a conversation at a party” or “how to not bore people with your in-depth knowledge of rock climbing.” It’ll work wonders!

Virgo

Virgo, literally everybody knows how busy you are all the time. Here’s a heads up: EVERYONE ELSE IS BUSY TOO! Next time you have the urge to whine about how you have too much on your plate, ask yourself: Does anybody but me care?

Libra

Things haven’t been going your way lately, and I have news for you—they’re still staying that way. My advice to you is to hole up in your room and stay there for the next three weeks, your safest option.

Scorpio

Get ready to really put your foot in it these next few days because I see you crying on public transit not once, not twice, but three times this week. We’re talkin’ full-blown, chest heaving, snotty crying. Keep tissues on hand or a mask so people can’t see you weep like a little baby.

Sagittarius

Those grand ambitions you’ve been having lately? Why don’t you do something about them rather than just running your mouth? Better hurry up, time is running out—and you’re not getting any younger (or hotter)!

Capricorn

Uh oh! You’ve been isolating yourself from your friends, and they definitely notice. Don’t worry, it gives them ample time to talk about each thing they don’t like about you behind your back. Fun!

Aquarius

Work sucks, I know—but you also suck at work. You’ve been slacking and it shows! Put a little oomph in it before you get the chop!

Pisces

If you think you’re the favourite child, think again! Your parents are thinking of getting a dog, and they already love the idea of it more than you. Sorry!