‘You guys are red, and we’re blue. No wait—you’re blue—no-’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
It was a big day for local board game enthusiasts Gilda Rynes and Derek Vassar, both 27, as they celebrated their 50th party ruined.
“We’ve ended dozens upon dozens of parties,” Vassar said as Rynes sat on his lap, something that made every reporter in the room uncomfortable. “And we hope to ruin many more in the years to come.”
After the two met studying geology, the two quickly realized that the only thing stronger than their love for each other was their passion for tabletop board games.
“Because the only thing more boring than geology is board games,” said Rynes.
The couple described their takedown of parties as a double-pronged approach.
“We wait until the party is really getting into full swing,” Vassar told the Other Press, zipping up his black Arc’teryx jacket as far as it could possibly go. “People are talking, laughing, really having fun. Then we pull out our mesh grocery bag full of intricate, hard-to-learn board games and put them all on the table. We make it very clear how the night is going to go. Do you want to describe the rest, babe?”
Rynes put one of her sweater strings in her mouth and chewed on it as she explained the rest of the attack.
“We then find the least convenient area to play a game—most likely the table holding everyone’s drinks—and move everything aside to set the board game up. If anyone protests, we shout them down with phrases like, ‘No, you’ll love it!’ and ‘We’ve played this one a million times.’ Usually, people start to realize that the fun, easygoing energy of the party is now over and done with, and the real fun begins.”
Other Press reporters spoke to Calvin Wrobel, host of the aforementioned 50th party.
“I hate board games,” said Wrobel. “Don’t like them, never have. It’s almost like Gilda and Derek are using them as a tool to distract us from the fact that they can’t socialize. Before they pulled the board games out, they barely talked to anyone. They just sat on the couch whispering to each other. It was almost as awful as the games themselves.”
“We pick the games with the most detailed rules that are almost impossible for first-timers to pick up on,” Vassar explained. “We’re not talking Guess Who? or Monopoly. We’re bringing out complicated, world-building games that are barely even fun for us. Now that’s how you party!”
“Because we own these games and play them often, we always have the upper hand. And believe me, we’re poor winners,” Rynes added.
Vassar pulled reporters aside while Rynes was in the bathroom. “Just between us, I’m planning on proposing to Gilda at the next party we ruin. I’m going to pull out Codenames—and instead of a complex, frustrating game that guarantees nobody will be getting laid that night, there’ll be a ring inside! I can’t wait to settle down, start a family, and force the doctor delivering our child to play Settlers of Catan before giving Gilda an epidural.”
Sources told the Other Press that Rynes and Vassar usually only bring two loose beers to a party, relying mostly on the hosts as a source of alcohol.
Before leaving the conference, Vassar and Rynes shared a long, tongue-filled kiss.
“We do that at parties too,” Rynes said. “Nobody likes it.”