Cuffing season upon us once again

Cold weather brings cold intentions

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

This is a Public Service Announcement from your local RCMP

The clouds come, the sky darkens, and a noticeable chill enters the air every November, bringing with it the infamously deemed “cuffing season.”

Be warned, men of Canada, for you could be target of cold, single women, who would otherwise be content remaining single if not for the chill in their bones and the lack of heating in their homes.

These women are crafty, and they’re quick. They will take you unawares with a prolonged stare or a sly smile, but they only want you for your warmth. Just as humans of old hunted and trapped great beasts for their furs, so too are you being hunted, trapped, and used for your warm embrace or XL overcoat this winter.

Already, there have been reports coming in from across the country: men being emotionally and literally cuffed to these cunning predators, their hearts as locked up as the handcuff on their wrists.

Many of our own officers have been victims of cuffing season, with women snagging the RCMP issued handcuffs off their belts and locking some of our handsomest officers to their wrists.

Nothing but the thaw of spring and the warmth of an almost summer sun can convince these women to free captured men from their cuffs.

In the case of being cuffed:

• Remain calm! Panicking will only worsen the situation.
• Hold onto your coat for dear life. It is your only solace against the elements, the only bargaining chip you have with your cuffer. Winter is coming.
• Get a haircut. You’re going to have to get through winter with your cuffer, and that means Christmas, and that means family dinner with her mom and all her aunts and you don’t want them to call you “scruffy” all night, trust me.
• DO NOT attempt to bite through the chain while she sleeps. It will only anger her and hurt your teeth.
• Try to enjoy it. You are susceptible to the cold just as they are.

For those of you who would like to remain single and uncuffed this winter, the RCMP is issuing “cuff-proof wrist wear” that act as a deterrent from possible cuffers this season. This device is akin to water wings, and provides a barrier to both the wrists from handcuffs and to women from finding you at all attractive.