Small community college to inherit school’s past achievements, national ranking
By Liam Britten, Chief NCAA-Okay Editor
Speculation about the severity of the punishments that would be meted out by the NCAA to Penn State as a result of the Jerry Sandusky sex scandal came to an end last Monday, when NCAA President Mark Emmert made his decision public.
The litany was certainly harsh: $60 million in fines. No post-season for four years. Scholarships severely limited for four years. And harshest of all, the entire football team was put on probation for five years.
But lost in the shuffle and breathless reaction to these punishments was one final punishment: for the five years of probation, Penn State would be replaced in the NCAA system by Douglas College of British Columbia, a Canadian school not currently even in the CIS, which has no football program.
Emmert said that the move was made to restore the public’s faith in the decency of the NCAA’s schools after the Sandusky scandal.
“We are well aware that Douglas College may not have been the frontrunner to replace Penn State. They have no football team, they’ve never had a football team, and their athletic department recently had a scandal where they had to forfeit soccer games because of ineligible players. We’re aware of that,” said Emmert. “But in the end, no one at Douglas College touched children over the course of a decade and covered it up with a vast conspiracy. These days, that counts for a lot in my book.”
Douglas College has not released any statement about the invitation to join the largest and most profitable collegiate sports organization in the world, but sources have told The Other Press that the College is already putting the wheels in motion to compete against top American schools at their national passion.
Among the facts learned by The Other Press was that the new program will most likely be headed by Performing Arts instructor Alan Weiss, as he has great experience leading and orchestrating large groups of students in a coordinated manner, and because of his experience with American ball: he is reported to have attended over four Seattle Seahawks games in the late ‘90s.
As well, College administrators are preparing to compete “the right way” to win against established American teams. They are preparing to slash funding for arts, technology, teaching, student services, and facilities by half in anticipation of building a new, 100,000 seat stadium. Admissions guidelines will be shifted from a focus on academic performance to throwing accuracy and downfield tackling.
Most schools new to “big league” play at the NCAA level typically struggle out of the gate, and Emmert says that this could be the case with Douglas College.
“A lot of teams have some growing pains. As long as those growing pains don’t involve raping children, I’m okay with it,” Emmert said. “This whole thing has really put things in perspective. From now on, the priorities at all NCAA Schools will be not touching children first; athletics a close second; and academics… third or fourth or whatever. I don’t really care.”
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Penn State and Douglas College by the numbers
At first glance, these schools have little in common, and advanced stats research confirms this. Here’s how the schools break down:
|
DOUGLAS COLLEGE |
PENN STATE |
|
| NCAA football wins |
0 |
605 |
| Consensus All-Americans |
0 |
39 |
| Bowl game wins |
0 |
21 |
| Number of children’s lives ruined |
0 |
8 (possibly more) |
| Number of sex offenders given free reign of school thanks to corrupt, cowardly administrators |
0 |
1 |
| Number of lion mascots |
1 |
1 |
