Douglas student paid off Mother Nature to bury school under snow

Student apparently did this to avoid taking midterms

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Denizens of the Lower Mainland were surprised by the unusual amount of snow dumped on the South Coast the week of February 5–11, and many were left searching for an explanation. Some blamed climate change, others deduced that the snow was brought on by a backlog of prayers for snow from 2010, during the infamously warm and un-snow-filled Winter Olympics. However, it seems the truth is far more sinister. Recent investigations have revealed that one of Douglas College’s students, Jackie F. Rostman, paid Mother Nature a lucrative amount of money to dump enough snow on the school to cancel midterms.

The investigation was undertaken by the school’s Meteorological Phenomena department, who sprung into action the moment the school closed on Monday, February 6.

“It just wasn’t natural, we knew it wasn’t natural,” said Jolene Harding, president of the Student Weather Investigation Service (SWIS). “We were breaking snowfall records from the 1940s, like honestly, what the hell? But we didn’t open an investigation until we realized the school cancellation was something far more sinister than just a precautionary measure… it was motive.”

Working off of that premise, the team tirelessly cross-checked students who had cancelled classes on the snow days with students who had scheduled midterms, now pushed to this week and affording the whole reading break to prepare.

“Finally, from that shortlist, we looked at students whose names could conceivably be Humour Section-worthy puns under the circumstances,” Harding said. “Jackie F. Rostman immediately stood out to us as a suspect. I mean, really? ‘Jackie F. Rostman?’ Jack Frost? A two-year-old could have come up with that. We got a warrant to hack his computer and sure enough, there were several large bank transfers from off-shore accounts to off-plane-of-existence accounts. As far as evidence goes, that was pretty damning.”

The arrest was made the following day.

Many have come to Rostman’s defence (it has mostly been grateful students whose midterms were also cancelled due to the snow days), however, the opposition has been strong and unforgiving.

“Why would you want to put off a midterm, really?” said Douglas student Kali Lee. “The prof is just going to take those extra days to make it more difficult. I didn’t want to spend my Reading Break studying, I wanted to spend it in Cuba. In fact, I did spend it in Cuba. So if I fail my midterm, it’s totally Rostman’s fault. I just wanted to have it over and done with.”

Rostman has yet to make a statement on the matter, however his Twitter has been revealing of his motives. To pull a tweet written by Rostman on February 5, “Just made a great deal that’ll help a LOT of stressed out students (ESPECIALLY ME LOL). Feeling #blessed.”