Millions of grandparents die as exam season approaches
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
In a national phenomenon, professors across Canada reported a 75 percent increase in grandparent-related deaths among students—all within the three weeks leading up to exam season.
“It seems to happen every semester,” said Jayne Sheffield, a professor at UBC. “It’s heartbreaking. Truly, truly heartbreaking.”
Familial death isn’t the only life event that seems to skyrocket near the ends of November and March. Sociologists often notice many students have pressing doctor’s appointments, household emergencies, and sick cats and dogs.
“It’s just one of those phenomena that nobody can really explain,” sociologist Dan Berkley told Other Press reporters. “It seems that almost everyone deals with a flooded pipe or runaway pet near the end of the semester. Our best guess is it has something to do with either the weather or the moon. Sometimes the forces of nature are just outside of our control. Gosh, life is such a mystery!”
Douglas professor Kenda Chang reported that in this semester alone, no less than six aunts have succumbed to breast cancer.
“That’s up from the four from last year,” Chang said. “I dread even thinking about next year’s statistics.”
Other Press reporters asked Chang if she felt that some of her students may be lying in order to extend paper or exam deadlines.
“Absolutely not,” said Chang, clearly outraged. “Why would a student lie to a professor? That goes against the rigid scholar code, maintained over thousands and thousands of years of higher academia and learning. Also, what kind of monster would fake an emergency, illness, or even death to extend a deadline that they knew about months in advance?”
Reporters spoke to Ryan Caldwell, whose grandmother had unfortunately passed away on April 2.
“Uh, yeah. I loved Meemaw, so it’s really hard for me to focus on my final paper for Medieval English and my take-home exam for Western Civilizations,” Caldwell said, clearly showing his sadness by sniffing from time to time. “Sorry, it’s all still pretty shocking to me. I have such great memories of Grammy taking me for ice cream, tying my shoelaces, and other things aunts do with their nephews. I mean, grandmothers do with their grandsons. I meant grandmothers and grandsons. Sorry. I’m just so, you know, heartbroken over the news and all.”
“I have people looking into cause and effect,” Berkley told reporters. “We’re worried that by some cosmic force, the cumulative stress and panic of the end of the semester somehow builds up like an electric charge and causes natural disasters to happen. Obviously we can’t have that, so we’re proposing we abolish exams altogether. Just for the good of society.”
Students across the globe reached out to Other Press reporters to say that that was perfectly, totally, absolutely fine with them, no questions asked.