Illustration by Cara Seccafien
As the outdoor temperature lowers, your internal temperature rises!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Ah, winter. The sexiest season—bodacious snowmen, a jolly fat man sneaking into your house, and so many layers of damp wool that you can’t really tell what anyone looks like. Are you trying to cozy up to someone under the mistletoe, but feel thwarted by a vicious sinus cold? Have no fear! Here’s five easy ways to tell your special someone, “Baby, prepare to be sick for five-to-eight days!”
Make a path of wadded-up tissues leading towards your bed
Muy caliente, readers! Your mucus-filled tissues will remind your SO about other mucous-membrane-related activities. As a bonus, you will have an endless supply of tissues to reach for if things get horizontal. No more running out of the room trying to hold the snot in; everything—and everyone—you need is within arm’s reach.
Cover your (or your partner’s) body in Vick’s VapoRub
A surefire way to make things tingle! This sexy medicated ointment will help you clear the phlegm out of your chest and sinus cavities while also doubling as a massage oil that is sure to please. Let the VapoRub loosen both your chest and your inhibitions. But be careful! Don’t put this rub anywhere below the belt—unless you guys are into that. No judgment, fair readers.
Wear your snot-covered housecoat with nothing underneath
Oh yeah, you know the one. The one your aunt got you. The nubby old grey one that feels like a towel. The pockets are big enough to stuff tissues in one and a bottle of Buckley’s Mucus & Phlegm in the other. Walk up behind your special someone and snuffle, “Guess what I’m wearing,” into their ear. When they find that your clammy, fever-ridden body is completely nude underneath, yowza! Prepare for a night of trying to retain consciousness as illness rips through you like a hot, sexy knife through sexy butter.
Run a cold bath
All right readers, things are getting a little too hot. Let’s cool things down a little, shall we? While you struggle to find a sitting position that doesn’t make your whole body ache, have your lover run a nice, cool bath. Lower your disease-ridden body into the freezing cold tub and, to your surprise, discover that it feels like a nice, lukewarm, freshwater spring. What’s that, baseball legend Babe Ruth? I might actually be really sick? Why is deceased New York Yankees pitcher Babe Ruth talking to me from my toilet?
Sexy ride to the hospital
Jenkies, readers! Looks like you underestimated your own illness. Have your sweet, sweet partner drive you to the ER. Feel free to pose in an alluring way, like sticking your head out of the window like a dog on the way to the vet. Bonus points! This position allows you to throw up without letting your caring driver know that you’re emptying the acidic contents of your stomach onto their passenger side door. Looks like you’ll be out for this round, reader! But don’t fret, you’re on your way to one of the sexiest destinations of all time: the hospital! Don’t forget your backless dressing gown 😉
