Mental condition known as Maxipterism claims first victim
By Livia Turnbull, Chief Bearded Douche Editor
A tragic accident occurred on Columbia Street Wednesday afternoon when two cars collided, killing one person and injuring two others. Emergency crews later reported that the man who was killed could have survived if he had worn a seatbelt. Unfortunately, it seems that wearing a seatbelt was too mainstream.
The 22-year-old man, known only as Ninkashi, a Sumerian name that means “Lady of Beer,” is the first known fatality in a new mental disorder known as Maxipsterism. This condition makes its suffers believe that anything the “mainstream” does or says is below them. However, it was believed that these people, although choosing to shun themselves from society, were harmless. Ninkashi’s tragic tale proves that this is not so.
“This is the first time that Maxipsterism has shown its dark side.” says Colleen Waffling, a psychiatrist. “Until recently, the worst case reported was someone who had both a massive collection of records from obscure artists and an even larger ego.”
…people with severe cases of Maxipsterism give up drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon entirely, due to the image of that beverage being associated with hipsters being too mainstream.
With more and more people continuing to identify as hipsters, cases of Maxipsterim have doubled in the past five years. “There’s nothing wrong with people exploring the fringes of culture; I just want these people to go outside and see the bigger picture.” says Waffling. Waffling also reports that she has seen people with severe cases of Maxipsterism give up drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon entirely, due to the image of that beverage being associated with hipsters being too mainstream. “They mostly drink nectar now. But only if it’s in one of those flower-shaped feeders.” says Waffling.
However, with the right amount of counselling, Waffling believes that people with Maxipsterism can rehabilitated back into society. Mike Thomas, a patient diagnosed with Maxipsterism, feels the same way.
“It used to be, like, I thought people couldn’t get my ideas and they were too stupid to comprehend my tastes in music and clothing. Now I see that I was the one who couldn’t get it.”
Thomas, formerly known as Sekhmet, an Ancient Egyptian name which means “She who is powerful,” used to wear a T-shirt with a picture of his face on it. Now, he wears ordinary clothing bought from Zellers. “I used to hang out with people who said that anything mainstream was stupid. Those people were wrong. The mainstream’s great. I especially like this song called ‘Fuck You‘ by Cee Lo Green. More people should listen to it.”
When asked about the death of Ninkashi, Thomas was quoted as saying that he and Ninkashi were roommates during college, but he has not spoken to Ninkashi since graduation. Thomas feels saddened by Ninkashi’s death and encourages potential sufferers of Maxipsterism to seek help.
“If you find yourself thinking for a second that society’s laws are too mainstream, seek help.” says Thomas.