What the rest of the world thinks of us (sorry)
By Julie Wright, Contributor
Have you ever had someone say you’re not Canadian enough? Perhaps you don’t love hockey or lacrosse, and would rather listen to British folk? Can’t stomach Tim Horton’s coffee and prefer a nice Chilean red wine over standard Canadian beer? If you want to hide your utter lack of Canadian-ness, and prove to naysayers just how true north you are, then refer to this handy article to give you the tips and tricks you need to be painfully stereotypically Canadian.
1. Work either as a lumberjack, hunter, trapper, fisherman, Mountie, or at Tim Horton’s.
2. Wear at least two of these every day: plaid flannel, a toque, a scarf, red and white, something bought from the Bay, work boots, ice skates (to cross a river), or a Mountie uniform.
3. Have a big burly beard. If a burly beard physically cannot be acquired, wear knit beard for similar aesthetic.
4. Eat at least one of these at every meal: poutine, Montreal smoked meat sandwiches, Quebec yellow pea soup, Timbits, beaver tails, Nanaimo bars, or butter tarts.
5. Drink only a 2-4 of Molson, a double-double from Timmies, or a hot cocoa from a hockey arena cafe. Maple syrup-flavoured anything is a plus.
6. Play either lacrosse or hockey. Or both. (If you suck at sports, that’s ok. You can still be a superfan.)
7. Listen to only Canadian musicians, such as: Bryan Adams, Shania Twain, Dean Brody, Michael Bublé, Rush, (some) Carly Rae Jepsen, and the Tragically Hip. (Maybe not Justin Bieber or Nickelback. We don’t talk about them.)
8. Ride an animal found only in Canada to work, like a moose, beaver, polar bear, or orca. Sidenote: if any of these are spotted outside of Canada (not including Alaska), they’re most likely a hologram.
9. Automatically appreciate nature. Nature includes, but is not limited to: mountains, igloos, massive ice sheets, freshwater lakes, vast expanses of forests, the three oceans that Canada is surrounded by, and the seemingly endless prairies.
10. Accept that healthcare is free, and when speaking to people from countries with no free healthcare, apologize for ours every chance you get.
11. Say “eh,” “hoser,” “bogus,” “sorry,” and “aboot” at least five times per sentence. Try saying, “Eh, sorry aboot my hoser friend. It’s bogus that he forgot the Molson.”
12. Realize that our entire population is the size of California’s, get over that fact, and then realize that you probably know at least three people in each province.