Pandemica Erotica
By Craig Allan, Staff Writer
First, go buy a piece of plexiglass, then cut a hole in it big enough for that junk. Then have your friend stick his baby maker through that hole and prepare your jaw!
We are getting close to Valentine’s Day. A day of love, affection, and, of course, sex! However, all of those have become complicated due to the pandemic. Now, swapping kisses and love nuzzles can be putting your life on the line. How can one have intimate sex with all of these issues? For those hankering for a pankering, here are some of the best ways to get intimate safely during the pandemic.
First, take a trip on the wild side and embrace your inner furry. Furry sex, which consists of having sex as a costumed mascot type of character, is the perfect way to achieve a level of intimacy while also fulfilling your dreams of having sex with Sonic the Hedgehog, Princess Peach, or whatever carnal fictional bliss you have always secretly entertained. Bonus, if you sweat a lot, you won’t have to worry about getting it on your partner. That sweat will stay in the suit!
If wearing a big monster costume does not do it for you, there is a way you can strip down safely. Below the neck that is. Try having sex with a mask on. You can even switch it up by wearing multiple kinds of masks with patterns and what not. This way you and your partner will always have a different reaction to your look. Just make sure you know what your partner looks like. You don’t want to risk having sex with your partner, only to find out that it was your neighbour Jeff just coming over to get a cup of sugar.
If you and a partner are looking for some more intimacy, consider the totally “non-sexual” and completely safe practice of massage. Get some standard baby oil from the store and rub down your partner. They will no doubt be aroused as you run your hands up and down their body. When you make it down to your partner’s genitalia, well, that’s where you have to stop because it is in the massage code that you must not massage that area of the body. However, you are not a registered massage therapist (at least most of you won’t be), so obeying the code is entirely optional. Make sure to wear a mask though with this act, because without wearing the mask, what is the point of any of this?
Do you have a special man friend who wants a special gift for his birthday? You may think there is no way you can get him that “special birthday present” in these times, but you can with the plexiglass glory hole! First, go buy a piece of plexiglass, then cut a hole in it big enough for that junk. Then have your friend stick his baby maker through that hole and prepare your jaw! In Canada, this is called “Up Against the Boards.”
If just being in another room with someone is too scary for you, there is always the reliable phone/webcam sex. From teasing to toy play it’s the best way to have fun from a distance. For those looking to have a closer connection, consider getting a Bluetooth connected toy, connecting it through an app, and having your partner control the rhythm from the other side. Your partner will be pulsating, and you can enjoy it with all the grainy video quality that your poor WiFi connection can take.
Other positions you can take on is the Russian Time Machine, Russian Waterfall, Russian Short Bus, Secret Crockpot Rocking Chair, Portuguese Neck Brace, Portuguese Recliner, and many more that a sex position name generator can make. Though some of these may not be the most COVID safe. So, celebrate Valentine’s Day like usual but with the safety of knowing you are respecting COVID protocols—because if sex is anything, it is best done with bureaucratic safety regulations in place.
