Kid blows hand off with fireworks

Successfully sued by public

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Charlie Tapler, an 11-year-old boy from Port Coquitlam, had a rather explosive Halloween this year. Tapler had been messing around with some fireworks that he had obtained from his friend’s older brother, and accidentally blew his left hand completely off of his body.

“It was gross, but like, really cool at the same time,” said Tapler’s friend, Justin Knox. Knox’s brother had been the one to supply the children with fireworks, and has since been in hiding. “His fingers just flew in a whole buncha directions, and there was a lot of blood. It was like back when we exploded that watermelon, only fleshier.”

Since the incident, firework regulation has been made much stricter in Port Coquitlam, and a trial has commenced against young Charlie Tapler.

Rick Chow, the legal counsel for the prosecution, has found legal cause to sue Tapler for “totally ruining the best part of Halloween,” with many Port Coquitlam residents filing their own cases against the young, one-handed boy.

“We were going to have a sweet-ass fireworks show on my street!” said stay-at-home-dad Greg Sommer. “Now, because some kid loses a few fingers, we had to cancel it.” Sommer is suing Tapler for gross injustice, and $5,000 in damages (the price he paid for the unused fireworks).

Rebecca Knox, mother of Justin and owner of the backyard where the incident occurred, says that she is suing Tapler for purely personal reasons: “The fact that that boy would tarnish my reputation and commit such a buzz-killing act in my own backyard is criminal! I can’t even find my eldest son. He was so ashamed that he was a part of making firework regulations stricter that he has gone into hiding!”

Charlie’s parents, Jon and Anne, released this statement to the press shortly after Charlie was successfully tried and charged as an adult:

“We would like to apologize to all the residents of Port Coquitlam for the actions of our son. It was so totally not chill of him to do, and now Halloween will never be the same. We support the court’s decision, and feel that a few years in maximum security could really teach that trouble maker a lesson. Our thoughts and prayers are with all of you, and we hope that you will someday forgive Charlie, and recover from your super lame Halloween this year.”