Listed

10 resolutions that will be broken in the new year

By Brittney MacDonald, Life & Style Editor

What’s a new year without resolutions? Personally, I never make them, mostly because my determination is only as strong as my ability to remember what my resolutions were, which in case you haven’t guessed, is pretty terrible. But still, people go on and make their goals regardless and then fail miserably by the time 2017 rolls around. So here’s a list of resolutions that will probably be broken in the new year.

1. Go to the gym. Everyone makes this resolution at some point, and barely anyone follows through with it. Truth is, if you have to wait until New Year’s Eve to tell yourself you need to get in shape, you’re already procrastinating and off to a bad start. Plus, the gym is like another dimension where people go to work by choice.
2. Eat healthier. No, this is dumb. You might make that resolution, but the next morning when you’re all hungover, the only thing you’ll want is poutine.
3. Get outdoors more. This type of resolution is usually made by people who used to be excited by the idea of indoor recess back in grade school. You’re a basement dweller, own it! No matter what your life goals are, no amount of scenic vistas will compare with a comfy couch, a warm blanket, and a really good book.
4. Drink more water. Why? There’s water in coffee.
5. Pamper myself more. The only people that make this resolution are people that already pamper themselves too much, and the ones that should probably make this resolution are too hard-working or selfless to recognize that they should probably pamper themselves more.
6. Study more. This is a big one while going through post-secondary education. College/university is expensive, and the moment you realize that is probably going to be the moment that you decide to stop treating it like high school, and get serious about things. Will that time be at midnight on December 31 at some random party, with a beer bong in your hand? Probably not.
7. Drink less alcohol. This is usually the resolution that you tell your friends at brunch the day after New Year’s Eve, before you wolf down a greasy Grand Slam in the hopes that it will absorb some of the alcohol you consumed the night before. It’s a good effort, but will ultimately be lip service.
8. Party more. There are three types of people in the world. Those that actually do party, those that define “party” as reading comic books or inviting their bros over for a Dungeons and Dragons campaign, and those that deny that they will come to define “party” as reading comic books or inviting their bros over for a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Only the latter two types of people make this resolution, so if you’re part of the third group, accept your nerdism and roll a D6.
9. Love each other forever. This resolution is usually made by couples who are doomed to break up the week before Valentine’s Day so that they don’t have to buy each other a gift.
10. Be happy. The new year is going to bring with it the same baggage that the last year had, so if you haven’t dealt with that yet, it’s probably time to unpack before making vague and cliché resolutions that no one (not even yourself) will be able to tell if you’ve accomplished come 2017.