In an effort to provide you with better news coverage and put three writers out of work, The Other Press presents Live Wires, the best news stories from around the world that we could print for pennies on the dollar.
Edited by Liam Britten, Humour Editor
BC Lions hold bottle drive to raise money for uniforms
The BC Lions football club are fresh off a Grey Cup-winning season, and have set their eyes on a new challenge: raising the $450 it will take to afford uniform cleaning and repairs.
To raise the money, the players will be visiting Vancouver homes between the hours of 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. this Saturday to collect bottles that they will return for deposit money.
“This isn’t the NFL; you have to make sacrifices if you want to make it in the CFL, and the occasional Saturday afternoon is a small price to pay to do the job you love,” said running back Andrew Harris. “Also, it would be great if some fan would offer me a place to crash for a few weeks, because it is getting cramped sleeping in my Kia.”
This isn’t the first time the Lions have gotten creative to make ends meet. Geroy Simon, a player well regarded for his dedication to his teammates, sold his left kidney so that the team would have food during the tight off-season of 2002. Also, defensive lineman Khalif Mitchell is known as a top-flight gigolo to older women under the alias “Mitchy Luv.”
Defensive back Dante Marsh appealed to fans via Twitter: “We all got 2 band 2gether 2 make it work!! Does any1 have any food they aren’t going to eat #starving”
Dungeon Master’s latest D&D campaign meets middling reviews
Weeks of anticipation ended in disappointment on Sunday after Lyle Burton’s latest Dungeons and Dragons campaign received mixed to poor reviews from players.
“It was pretty fucking lameballs if you ask me,” reported gamer Joshua Weiss. “We just keep fighting orcs again and again, kobolds if we’re lucky. And we’re not even allowed to use spells from non-Wizards of the Coast-approved sourcebooks. Laaaaaame.”
The campaign was criticized for a lack of creativity, and Burton’s inability to grow as a game designer. Also, Burton’s parents busted him for smoking marijuana earlier in the week, resulting in an unpopular ban on hitting the bong during game sessions—even when a Bounce tube is employed.
“And that’s the worst thing; no chronic during gaming? What kind of bush league operation is Lyle running here?” asked another gamer, Alex Owen.
The perceived poor quality of the game may be a result of Burton’s own doing. He spent the past month on an unsurpassed marketing campaign for the game, including talking non-stop to everyone when they were smoking weed, getting everyone’s hopes up and completely getting on everyone’s nerves.
“Oh yeah, expectations were definitely high,” said Owen. “I mean, the guy described it as a mix between Chrono Trigger, Baldur’s Gate, with a bit of Fallout thrown in. When you make promises like that, you have to live up to them. Also, I’m still choked we can’t blaze in the basement.”
—The Not Fictitious Press
Rob Nicholson responds to critics over crime bill: ‘Suck my dick, critics’
After being criticized by intellectuals, progressives, and even victims’ rights groups over the Conservatives’ recently-passed Safe Streets and Communities Act, Minister of Justice Rob Nicholson took time to respond and defend the bill’s merits.
“Suck my dick, critics,” Nicholson told the Ottawa press gallery after a session of Parliament. “Gargle my balls. Fondle my ass and lick my butthole. That is all.”
The Minister’s comments have been called “a powerful rebuke of the special interests holding back regular Canadians” by fellow Conservatives and “dickish, even for him” by just about everyone else.
The comments fit into a larger Conservative strategy of aggressively defending the crime bill. Last week, several Members of Parliament have been accused of trying to run NDP Public Safety Critic Jack Harris’ car off the road at high speed. Threatening phone calls made late at night to the home of prominent lawyer and blogger Josh D. Scheinert have been traced to a number belonging to Public Safety Minister Vic Toews.
Further, while no suspects have been named in the case of human faeces being mailed to offices belonging to the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives, although their “spiteful, humourless appearance,” makes none other than Stephen Harper the most likely culprit.—BoastMedi