‘I’ll literally sell my soul for a party hat and a noisemaker,’ says citizen
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
What was supposed to occur in late November to early December has started as soon as October 15.
Greta Braggs, a Vancouver local, was one of the first to report experiencing New Year’s Eve anxiety two weeks ago.
“I usually don’t start getting filled with fear about what I’m doing for New Year’s until Halloween is over. But as I was putting my inflatable witch in my front yard, the dread set in—I need to reserve an overpriced table in a crowded bar with people I hate, and I need to do it right now!”
Scientists blame this quick-moving fear on the recent changes in weather patterns. Brett Comby, head of Atmospheric Sciences at UBC, said to the Other Press, “In earlier years, New Year’s Eve anxiety usually set in after you receive your first Christmas card. This occurs around December 2 or, if you have religious parents, November 28. But because of this year’s cold snap, followed by two weeks of direct sunlight, our internal clocks are extremely confused. As such, many will find themselves frantically googling ‘sequined dresses long sleeve’ on zaful.com long before December hits.”
Recent studies show that the best way to enjoy New Year’s Eve is to have a large glass of red wine and a muscle relaxer at 10 pm, then falling into a blissful, unencumbered slumber.
“Just sleep through the entire night,” Comby says. “The feeling of weightlessness from the muscle relaxer and the pleasant numbness from the wine ensures that you won’t fixate on the thought that each New Year’s Eve brings you closer and closer to the grave. Unfortunately, many people are concerned with the idea of letting other people know that they are, in fact, having a great time. Even if it comes at the cost of spending lots and lots of money and not having a good time at all.”
Though some were prepared for the clinging terror that they would have nothing to put on their Instagram stories on the night of December 31, many were caught unawares. Derek Delmont was in the middle of a chemistry exam when he felt a wave of festive nausea roll over him.
“Before it hit, I was super preoccupied about whether or not my grandma would make it to Christmas. Now all I can think about is getting lit with my boys at the Cambie. Oh my God, do you think we should sign up for early bird tickets now?”
New Year’s Eve Anxiety has moved quickly, affecting citizens all across Vancouver. Caroline Hopkins, resident, spoke to reporters while scrolling through her phone.
“I love looking though event pages for parties I could never attend on my salary. Because I work full time as a waitress while I pursue my dreams of becoming a voice actress, I’ll probably never get both New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day off unless both my boss and my assistant manager are struck down and killed by a moving vehicle. But because of FOMO, I’ll probably end up working a nine-hour shift, then cram my blistered feet into a pair of stiletto heels and a tube dress in two-degree weather on the off chance I’ll get a sloppy New Year’s kiss. Does anybody know if Celebrities is selling tickets yet?”
Other Press reporters left Hopkins as she cried out on the street, “Guest list! I need a guest list! Does anybody have a boyfriend who works as a DJ at the Fox?”