‘It’s not really day drinking if the days are just really long’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
2018 was a wild year for popular trends, with TikTok, minimalism, kombucha, and the leopard-print midi skirt taking the world by storm.
“Trends are spreading faster than ever, thanks to accessible forms of social media such as Instagram and Twitter,” Trend Forecaster Suzie Bellingham told Other Press reporters at a press conference last Tuesday. “With posts going viral every single week, it’s hard to keep track of what’s in and what’s out.”
Not wanting to be caught unawares, reporters asked Bellingham what she thought the biggest trend would be for summer 2019.
“That’s easy,” Bellingham said. “The biggest and boldest social movement this summer will be a steep upward incline of mild alcoholism and alcohol dependency.”
Bellingham isn’t wrong. In fact, at least 89 percent of young adults from the ages of 19 to 25 have gotten crazy blasted in the past four weeks.
“We’re seeing people getting absolutely crunk as hell on Wednesday, Tuesday nights. Even as early as two in the afternoon.” Bellingham said. “We’re talking straight wrecked.”
What is it about the summer that makes people reach for the bottle?
“Nothing beats the heat like an ice-cold beer,” Bellingham said. “And sometimes when the city is hot and there’s nothing else going on, you just gotta crack a cold one with the boys.”
But is summer really the best time to start drinking as a hobby? According to the most indisputable science and questionable social norms, it is, said Bellingham.
“When you look at other seasons, such as the fall or even Christmastime, drinking alone is seen as sad or a symptom of something more nefarious, like depression or non-mild alcoholism,” Bellingham said. “Picture this: A man drinks alone on Christmas day, staring at a withered old tree on the street. Now picture this: A man drinks alone on a beautiful summer day, staring at a beautiful, luscious cherry blossom tree. Which seems more socially appropriate?”
Other Press reporters talked to local youngsters to get the inside scoop.
“Everyone has had those kinds of evenings, you know the ones,” skateboard ruffian Julian Saunders told reporters. “It’s 25 degrees, 4 pm, and the air just feels really heavy. You can hear the bees buzzing and everything, real serene and beautiful. What other way is there to celebrate Mother Nature’s glory than drinking a 40 and throwing up on a public sidewalk?”
“Me and my girls love going for pitchers of sangria,” Jennifer Hewitt, Cactus Club server, told local press. “But we make sure to only drink to commemorate big life events to keep our calories down. In the past week we’ve gone out to celebrate Natalia getting engaged, Jade’s cat’s successful surgery, Emma’s work promotion, and Natalia’s broken engagement. Only the best for my girls!”
But is this alcohol dependence sustainable?
“No,” said Bellingham as she chugged a bottle of red wine. “That’s why we, as a nation, have to go as hard as humanly possible during the three months of summer we have. During the winter we can switch back to smoking weed. Hey, does anybody want to do a shot?”