Illustration by Ed Appleby
By Savis Irandoost, #1 Diva
- Always arrive fashionably late. You can arrive up to three hours later than the scheduled time.
- It’s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
- Never apologize for anything regarding your punctuality.
- If someone confronts you about anything, cut them out of your life entirely.
- Spend two hours getting ready before you leave the house.
- Always dress to impress.
- Spend most of your time and money on beautification and beautification-related things.
- Spend the rest of your time honing your many talents.
- Spend a minimum of an hour a day gazing at your reflection.
- If you want to be a diva, self-portraits are a must!
- Love yourself—and only yourself.
- Don’t hang out with other divas too frequently. They could start to out-diva you.
- Be seen with influential people.
- Don’t spend too much time with regular people. They could make you ordinary.
- On that note, always be seen with a posse. Never be seen alone.
- Have an enormous following on Twitter
- Overreact and whine on a regular basis to get your way and establish your rank.
- Stay up-to-date with the gossip, especially about yourself.
- Never feel bad about anything negative you hear, because they’re making you famous!
- Stick to self-absorbed professions such as acting, modelling, or singing. It’s best if you do all three
- It’s okay to be a little cocky.
- Be the biggest social butterfly you know. If you know a bigger one, de-friend them immediately.
- Manage to charm everyone, no matter how hard the task.
- Wink and smile often.
- Always use your beauty as a weapon. Blind someone with your perfect smile.
- Travel the world. Preferably to glam places such as St. Barts.
- Party often! But pace yourself before you start looking haggard. Don’t cross that line.
- Order other people around.
- Fire someone.
- Don’t ever date a divo (a male diva). There will be too much ego in one relationship.
- Never get dumped.
- Always play guys.
- Be unique like your diva ancestors.
- Have a signature style.
- Find a signature catch phrase.
- Respect the original divas. We’re not talking Mariah Carey, Beyonce or JLo, but Liza Minnelli, Barbra Streisand, and Elizabeth Taylor.
- When a dance off is called, kill it.
- Never forget that there is nothing that a manicure/pedicure combo can’t fix!
- Retail therapy after anything is a must.
- Only drink sparkling, spring, or filtered water.
- Junk food is for people who have given up on life, not sexy divas like you!
- In the words of the King of Fashion, Karl Lagerfeld, himself: “Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.”
- Stay in tip-top physical shape, in case there is a cat fight on the catwalk.
- Be sassy as often as possible, but not bitchy.
- Ride in the back seat often. Try to be driven around as much as possible.
- The tighter and more uncomfortable the attire, the better! Pain is beauty, so suck it up, buttercup.
- Saving money is for poor people.
- Always strut. Never walk.
- Keep it classy and drink champagne.
- The only shoes you’re allowed to wear are pumps.
- Sequins and glitter. Enough said.
- Bedazzle, animal print, fur, leather, and fluff your surroundings!
- Get a glam pet to reflect your values.
- Spread the diva gene over to your future babies.
55. And always remember: A diva is a female version of a hustler.
