How to keep on during this disgustingly moist season
By Michele Provenzano, Staff Writer
It’s no longer that one week in July. In other words, it’s officially the rainy season in Vancouver. Here are some tips to stay dry and cozy.
Carry an umbrella just to lose it
A simple but effective way to stay dry. Leave your umbrella right next to the door so that you don’t forget it when you leave your house! Collapse it as you board the bus and place it in the small space between the edge of your seat and the window where you’ll inevitably forget it because your mind is too preoccupied with the stresses of daily life to remember your belongings.
Finally put your textbooks to use
You’re out of an umbrella? Grab the next best thing! Surely your backpack is loaded with the weight of several heavy textbooks. Snatch one of those bad boys out and exert your already-suffering shoulders by lifting the book to shield your precious head. You don’t have to worry about the pages becoming water-damaged—you weren’t going to read them anyway.
Wear waterproof mascara and/or dismantle your identity
Realistically, the rain probably won’t wash your mascara off. But the seasonal depression that comes along with it sure will! So, when the waterworks come—whether originating from the troposphere or the amygdala—make sure that shit doesn’t budge with a waterproof version of your favourite mascara. Better yet, wear no mascara. Just stop caring about appearance entirely and cease all efforts to construct a sense of self through performative measures until you lose any semblance of an identity.
Never leave home without headphones
Headphones are to be used, specifically, at the first sign of a mild acquaintance’s attempt to engage in weather-related small talk. At any instance of weather chat, respond with a dramatic whipping out of said headphones. Stare into the person’s eyes blankly as you place them over your ears. You’ve heard it all before. This conversation has no value. Avoidance successful!
Bathe in soup
You’re looking for a way to keep warm and to relax. But with the packed schedule of a college student, surely you don’t have much time to spare. Both eating soup and enjoying a hot bath are popular cold-weather activities to stay cozy. Combine them to maximize relaxation efficiency: bathe in soup! Bonus: this may have the added benefit of inspiring a new topic of small talk for the people you meet to delve into. “Why do you smell like soup?” is a much more refreshing conversation than talking about the weather!
Saran wrap your entire body
Who can afford those trendy transparent raincoats? Achieve the same aesthetic with a ridiculously effective method of keeping yourself dry: saran wrapping yourself from head to toe! The tighter the wrap, the cozier you’ll be while you trek through the cold, damp city. The pressure of your own arms all squeezed up against your body will almost feel like you’re cuddling with yourself. Who says you can’t cuddle with yourself?
Never leave home, period
Just stay in bed.