The 13 pains of Christmas
By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
For most of us, December and the holiday season is a joyous time of year. It’s a time for giving, sentiment, togetherness, and celebration. However, there are some factors that come around this time of year that make December not so jolly after all.
13) Crowded stores. It can be fun to pick out a gift for a loved one, but there are so many people that it’s more like a stampede than a shopping mall. And Christmas shoppers aren’t exactly laid-back, considerate consumers.
12) Fruitcake. Every year, the rock with pieces of vague fruit-like cubes appears in our homes somehow. It makes an excellent door-stopper, but it should never be considered edible.
11) Mistletoe. Maybe you’re caught under it with an ex, your cousin, or your boss. Whatever the conundrum, forced kissing is a weird and stupid holiday trap. It’s usually infested with nargles, anyway.
10) Exams before festivities. Your classes are over, you’re working more than ever—but you’ve still got to take several arbitrary two-hour tests worth 30 per cent of your grade.
9) Working hard. Whether you work directly in customer service or on a different person interaction level, everyone is busy and stressed at their jobs during the holidays. The client and employee, whichever you may be, are both tired and just want to go home—but alas, the holiday duties call.
8) Christmas sweaters. Nothing like spending $50 for an intentionally ugly sweater that you’ll wear once. Nobody likes those types of parties. Nobody likes the designs. Plus, they’re so itchy.
7) Elf on the Shelf. Teach children about surveillance states at an early age this holiday season with a creepy monstrosity that seems to move on its own. Big Santa is watching.
6) Gift obligations. Christmas is a time to spend with family, and pretty soon you’re obliged to get a gift for 10 or 20 people who you don’t know well and will not see for another year. It’s expensive, annoying, and usually awkward anyway.
5) Mariah Carey. All I want for Christmas is for her original holiday composition to vanish back to Hell where it came from. In fact, let’s extend that to any original modern holiday song. “Last Christmas” indeed.
4) Religious guilt. Christmas is by definition a religious/spiritual occasion, but debates about the “Christ in Christmas” or lectures about what we choose to believe or not believe come out in crowds this year. It’s no fun for anyone.
3) Christmas movies/specials. Yes, they all suck. Even the good ones suck—plot, depth, and entertainment are all sacrificed for a holiday theme.
2) Being called “The Grinch” or “Scrooge” for complaining about the season. This one should be self-explanatory, and admit it—you were thinking it when your read the title of this list.
1) Eggnog. Don’t pretend you enjoy this monstrosity—you enjoy the rum mixed in. It’s like really thin pancake batter that you drink. They only sell it once a year because it takes 12 months to forget how awful it tastes.