Keep looking, you ugly loser!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Love is in the air… but everyone who is conventionally attractive and mentally stable has already found a partner. That’s right, dear reader. You’re left to forage through scraps and find someone with enough to cobble together to make a codependent relationship that will ultimately fail once the weather turns bad.
However, should that keep you from finding a summer fling? Absolutely not! 100 percent of scientists agree that 97 percent of people are horned up during the summer months. That’s why you should get it while the going’s good! Don’t know where to look? Me neither! But I DO know where you shouldn’t look—so feast your dun, misshapen eyes on my list!
Do you honestly think you’ll find your meet-cute over a pile of organic zucchini? Think again! Though it might sound dreamy to think of a prospective partner’s hand grazing yours over a wicker basket of heirloom tomatoes, a study conducted by me and me alone found that every single person in a farmers market at any given time has been in a relationship for 17 years. If you’re whole-heartedly at a farmers market with a reusable tote bag and an artfully distressed jean jacket, you’re normal enough to trick someone into dating you. The two of you probably enjoy other normal, wholesome activities such as walking the seawall, taking each other’s parents out for high tea, and missionary sex. Feel like testing my theory? Go ahead! Head to a market and lock eyes with a cutie—I guarantee their partner has stopped behind a pile of artisan honey to chat with a stall owner.
Ice cream parlour
Though the idea of meeting someone while buying an extremely sensual food item might sound nice, think of the implications of having to eat a phallic, dairy-based dessert in public. To begin, every ice cream parlour somehow has three minor league baseball teams in them at any given time. Secondly, have you ever eaten an ice cream cone with any manner of decorum or class? Imagine the horrors of trying to eat a chocolate ice cream cone! No quantity of napkins can save you from that gross ring around the corner of your lips. Also, everybody knows only the hottest, meanest high school girls are given the job of ice cream scooper. One scathing look from a 16-year-old who looks like an Instagram model and you remember how dairy gives you cystic acne and that you’ll probably be alone forever.
Cut out the middleman, am I right? “A nude beach sounds like a great idea to scope out some hotties,” you think to yourself. What better way to find other like-minded individuals who live a carefree lifestyle? And at the very least, you’ll see some hot bods! WRONG. During my six-hour stay at Wreck Beach I saw more sad testicles than I’ve ever seen in my adult life, and I went to Shambala last summer. All the hot people are actually allowed to go to a private, sectioned-off corner of the beach where they can all frolic unencumbered by the likes of me. All others are forced to look at someone who greatly resembles their grandpa Doug wearing, oddly enough, socks, a cowboy hat, and nothing else. Just like grandpa Doug used to do!