To avoid repeat of 2011 Riot

City of Vancouver builds flammable, wooden decoy city to confuse hooligans during inevitable playoff riot

By Liam Britten, Chief City of Turds and Boobs Editor

[dropcap]A[/dropcap]fter the chaos and carnage that ultimately defined last year’s Stanley Cup playoffs, the City of Vancouver has been carefully constructing plans to avoid last year’s embarrassment and destruction.

The plan, which was detailed in a press conference yesterday, calls for the construction of a giant, burnable decoy city that will hopefully divert rioters away from the real city. The false city will be built in the Lake City area of Burnaby, and city planners are hoping that the decoy will spare the real city from damage.

“When morons from outside of city limits come west looking to get rowdy, we hope their booze-addled, low-functioning brains will be drawn to this imitation city, as they will probably come across it first,” said Vancouver City Councillor Andrea Reimer. “Morons and numbskulls alike are inherently lazy, and we’re hoping they’ll stay true to form. As for the City of Burnaby: we’re sorry.”

No expense was spared in construction of the city. Realistic replicas of downtown structures were painstakingly assembled out of the highest quality, most flammable timber on the market. Dummies dressed as homeless persons will be strewn throughout. To top it off, every “store’s” goods will be priced at least three times the amount that a rational human being would pay.

Even though the fake city is yet to be erected, it’s already yielding positive sentiment from Vancouver’s diverse population of punks and assholes.

“I definitely am excited to see this thing once it’s finished; and then destroying it for no fucking reason,” said 20-year-old local meathead Dale Borghesi.

“I’ll set fire to anything once I’ve had a few beers,” said Brody Codron, a 19-year-old friend of Borghesi’s. “I really love the Canucks, and for some reason, that makes me set fires and steal things.”

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Planners for the City of Vancouver have made every effort to ensure that the fake city is as real and attractive to rioters as possible. They said that attention to detail was key, and here are some of those details:

  • Imitation storefronts with breakable windows will be stocked full of easy-to-steal handbags and garments
  • A designated “Self-Righteousness Zone” will be in the vicinity to allow non-rioting Canucks fans the opportunity to feel good about themselves, as if not participating in a riot is something to be proud of
  • Actors with cameras and cell phones will be on hand to take photos and encourage the rioters so that they “get it out of their system” quicker
  • All vehicles in the fake city will be easy to tip, full of flammables, and already have cloths inserted in the fuel tank to make burning even easier
  • No one visiting the fake city will be searched for alcohol

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The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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