Getting fit and having fun, just like Joanne McLeod
By Cara Seccafien, Layout Manager
For millennia, women have been running, cycling, swimming, dancing, and ellipticalling to keep their bodies sleek, slim, and slippery. Moving a lot very quickly (a.k.a. cardio) is a socially acceptable and popular form of female exercise. All that pulmonary exertion is exactly why women have such strong, nurturing hearts. If you are craving an ounce of masculinity in your workout routine (besides the poster of Michael Cera across from your yoga mat on your bedroom wall), or if you just prefer sitting and getting fit, weightlifting could be for you!
The first thing you need to know about weightlifting is that you will not lose your boobs and you will not look like a “linebacker.” According to the internet, you can still maintain your feminine physique and also train to be able to lift up an actual linebacker and throw him against a brick wall. Your female secondary sex characteristics will remain as long as you have lots of estrogen, either produced by your ovaries or taken in pill form.
This was a disappointment to me because my personal fitness goal was to get moderately butch. Once I learned that the closest I could achieve was mild to low-femme, I quit and went out to buy Joe Fresh’s selection of button down shirts (that part is not a joke, you guys).
In my brief but enlightening experience, I learned a few key things that might entice other boobed people to try lifting something heavier than their fatty cat.
- Our brains produce fancy chemical call en-dolphins (endorphins). These cheerful things swim around the murky polluted sea of your brain during and after exercise. They are completely boring compared to the exciting highs achievable via drugs and caffeine, but are apparently a lot healthier for you. I noticed an invasion of them after lifting a purple dumbbell up and down for about 13 Then I enjoyed them while gently napping.
- You have muscles all over your arms and they all do different things. You have muscles that connect your shoulder to your arm, ones that connect your wrist to your forearm, ya-da ya-da. If you are like me, and you usually use these muscles to type hilariously romantic comments on your girlfriend’s Instagram photos, you might not realize their full range of capabilities. Email me at email@example.com if you figure out what they do, so that I know if it is at all useful.
- Weightlifting can make your bones stronger and prevent osteoporosis. It’s a fact that women get osteoporosis a lot. If you’ve been chugging a carton of milk every morning, and recently found out you’re lactose intolerant, and also recently found out that ice cream contains lactose too, weight lifting might be for you.
- Men like girls that can open pickle jars. This fact is currently unconfirmed, so I suggest you do your own research. I think this might have less to do with pickles, and more to do with the doors your strength opens in the way of S&M. Again, email me if you figure out the details.