By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Local woman Wilma Hodgkiss, 25, has had enough.
“I can’t believe my period disrupts my life every 28 to 33 days,” said Hodgkiss at a press conference last Tuesday. “And it won’t stop until I reach 45 to 55? I can’t live like this!”
Hodgkiss’ period, which has been with her since the age of 13, is a real jerk.
“I have to plan for a week of low mood, extreme hunger, sleeplessness, anxiety, and constipation,” she said. “And that’s just the PMS! I haven’t even gotten to the real deal yet.”
Like so many other people who get their period, Hodgkiss simply just has to deal with it.
“Many men, unprompted, tell me to get an IUD,” she said. “But they don’t know that IUDs are expensive and often make some people’s flows worse. And as far as implantation goes, my friend Mary told me the cramps were so bad that she shit herself when they put it in. That’s two of my worst nightmares in one!”
Hodgkiss’ boyfriend Mark Dinas was also interviewed by Other Press reporters.
“I pretty much go above and beyond when Wilma gets her period,” said Dinas. “I buy her the cheapest chocolate bar in the drugstore and rub her back for around a minute and a half while I scroll on my phone at the same time. And I always make sure to tell her I’m down for period sex. I know some guys aren’t, so I think it’s really cool and progressive of me that I am.”
Hodgkiss’ boss, Frank Jarvis, was adamant that Hodgkiss would not receive any special treatment for her monthly malady.
“I tell Wilma, and anyone else who tries to use their period as an excuse for missing work, the same thing,” Jarvis told reporters. “Just suck it all back in, and then go home and push it all out after work.”
Jarvis also proudly stated that he knew “next to nothing” about the female anatomy except for the “good parts.”
Reporters approached Hodgkiss’ period, who was found smoking a Juul and lurking around the corner from Hodgkiss herself.
“Hey man, I’m just doing my job,” said Hodgkiss’ period. “I come, I take what I want, and then I leave. If anything, I make her appreciate those 20 days when I’m not around more. All these babes are so emotional. It’s just the hormones, you know?”
Hodgkiss says she is taking a stand for people who are fed up with their menstrual cycles.
“We shouldn’t take this kind of abuse from our own bodies. It’s time we stood up for the way of life we deserve!”
Hodgkiss added at the time of interviews that she wasn’t usually this bloated—it was just water retention.