Even though you’ve never watched the show and don’t know who anyone is
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Unless you’re like me and have oodles and oodles of time that is supposed to be spent “writing your section” and “getting groceries” and “leaving the house to refill your antidepressant prescription,” you’ve probably never seen HBO’s smash hit Sex and the City (that’s right, it’s and the city, not in the city—I know, I know, I was shocked too). Why? Because it was the show your mom or cool aunt watched, and if you recall the hazy bits from your childhood memory, nothing much went on and all they did was have sex with primarily straight white men. While this is all true, Sex and the City is something I’ve sunk a lot of time and effort into, so I invite you all to take my quiz!
You’re out for brunch with your best gal pals after a wild night out! You order:
a) poached eggs with dry whole wheat toast
b) an omelette with all the fixings
c) you like lunch for breakfast—a fajita
d) you like your breakfast like you like your sweaty, late 90s to early 2000s businessmen—hot and preferably Ethiopian (black coffee)
Oh no! You’ve broken your Louboutins while sprinting away from an ex. You hobble into a shopping mall to buy:
a) a new cell phone to call your husband sobbing so he can send a car to pick you up
b) a sensible pair of white sneakers with the most Godawful laces you’ve ever seen in your life (seriously, this show aired in 1999 so you’ve gotta watch it just to see the whack fashion)
c) nothing, you leave the mall to go straight to a Louboutin store to buy a newer, more expensive pair—completely negating the fact that you barely make any money as a sex columnist, or at least not enough for those insanely pricey outfits and a blowout each episode???!
d) a new vibrator
Time to party! Someone’s invited you to the opening of the hottest new restaurant in the Meatpacking District. Who do you bring as your date?
a) your husband who you love very much and also converted to Judaism for (I actually stan this storyline, so cute)
b) nobody, you go alone, which is a terrible choice because you usually make terrible choices, like your haircuts from the first season onwards
c) any one of the horrible, talentless men that are so far beneath you it’s crazy, like how about that writer guy who was actually SUCH a baby and was mad at your success?? Don’t even get me started on Big’s emotional manipulation or Aidan’s big-ass receding hairline!!!
d) sex person for sex
MOSTLY “A”s
You’re Charlotte, who is pretty hot but so stuck up and sorry, kind of the worst one out of the bunch. But she is really pretty and gets to date Kyle MacLachlan so that’s a huge plus for you. However, throughout the seasons she says some pretty insensitive things about race, class, and gender, so, you know. Maybe work on that.
MOSTLY “B”s
You’re Miranda, a big ole stick-in-the-mud. Yeah, yeah. I know. You’re supposed to hate her because she “speaks the truth.” Honestly though, that haircut is the most INSANE thing I’ve ever seen on national television! Did nobody say, “Hey guys, let’s give the sad sack LOSER an okay haircut for once,” at ALL during filming? I do like Steve though.
MOSTLY “C”s
You’re Carrie, the star of the show and somehow the one with the least amount of personality. You know what I’ve always wondered? Can everyone, including the rest of the girls AND all of Carrie’s suitors, read her columns? How whack would it be if every guy she hooked up with (or who hooked up with any of her friends) went online and was like, “Huh, looks like Miranda told her really famous and apparently rich sex advice columnist friend that my semen tastes weird.” Why would anyone in their right minds start a relationship with someone who wrote about their sex life on a weekly basis? By the way, look for my sex column in next week’s issue.
MOSTLY “D”s (ha ha, classic Samantha)
Congratulations! You’re Samantha, the best one. Yes, literally everything you say is a one-liner, and I think (spoilers? Though I might be wrong!) you get cancer later in the season (I haven’t finished it, sorry!). But you have a bangin’ bod, a hilarious voice, and can apparently orgasm at will. Plus, she’s the only non-heteronormative one. We could all stand to be a little more like Samantha Jones!
