A look into the far-off future of 2016

Illustration by Ed Appleby
Illustration by Ed Appleby

Problems and improvements in four decades

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

The problem with predicting the future is that—obviously—it hasn’t happened yet. Current trends and scientific analysis allow us to at least speculate on what our lives will be like in the far off 21st century.

We face many problems today—high inflation, tension in the Middle East, an oil crisis, political corruption, the rise of war. Such problems are a reflection of this flawed time. Soon, the younger, more progressive minds will graduate from college and solve all of these issues. We can enter a new era—in, say, no more than four decades—of peace and prosperity worldwide. The increased tensions will fizzle out, and the Middle Eastern countries will coexist peacefully without war. Inflation will come to a standpoint, and a fair living wage will be established for all citizens. Renewable power sources will rise as an alternative to oil, saving the environment. By 2016 at the latest, it will be a wonderful time to be alive.

That said, here are some new problems that we will have to deal with by 2016:

Not having a cool car. With all the vehicles flying in the air and being powered by electricity, we can no longer drag race and burn rubber. Cars won’t be fast and furious: we’ll have to find another way to show that our environmentally-friendly rides are number one.

Everyone will be too smart: Post-secondary education will be more affordable than ever! By the next generation, everyone will have graduated from world-renowned universities in North America. With such diverse knowledge contained in the general population, our smug senses of superiority amongst each other will vanish.

No choice of fashion: If Logan’s Run taught me anything, it’s that, in the future, we’ll all wear one-piece outfits of silver, or go back to the tunic. Fashion trends come and go with each decade, but pretty soon we can all just seal ourselves into sparkly spandex for life. It won’t look very good.

Military becomes useless: In an era of global world peace, there will be no need to send troops into Iran, Afghanistan, or anywhere else for that matter. Many members of our military will be out of jobs, and our perfectly good tanks and bombs will be left to rust.

Everyone will probably be nuked by Russia: While most countries can resolve their differences, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is only growing bigger by the day. By the time 2016 rolls around, we’ll all be pledging allegiance to Mother Russia—that is, if they haven’t decided to blow us into the ground first. World peace will mean nothing once a political leader finally snaps and decides to use one of their thousands of bombs capable of destroying a small city. I’ll see you in my bunker.