Hell breaks loose: Demonically possessed computers linked to new virus

Image from Thinkstock
Image from Thinkstock

Source of the attack remains unconfirmed

By Duncan Fingarson, Columnist


Early Monday morning several computers became infected with what authorities are now calling the ‘Doomsday’ virus. According to reports, the deadly virus is spread by email, with unsuspecting victims receiving a seemingly legitimate message from a trustworthy source. When the victim clicks the link in the email, it directs them to view an important external document, and the virus then downloads a literal demon directly into their hard drive.

Unfortunately, it may not be immediately apparent that your computer is suddenly possessed by a malevolent being from the pits of the abyss. Early warning signs, including unresponsive hardware and the occasional dead pixel, may be attributed to other causes. The demon is slow to take hold, and may be further slowed by a byzantine filing structure, or fragmented hard drives.

The earliest sign that your computer is possessed and not simply suffering from a normal technological malady, is that it will begin to act on its own. The tower, screen, and mouse may move around unprompted, run without access to any sort of external power source, or turn up in strange places where you definitely didn’t leave them. As the virus progresses, these events will occur more frequently.

When stage two is reached, the infected computer will begin to exhibit more supernatural symptoms. There will be a slow building of an eternal wailing of the damned that constantly emanates from your speakers. Blood will drip from the disk drives and USB ports, and a portal to the nether realms may open on the bottom of the keyboard. The mouse will sprout horns and chatter in the tongues of a thousand screaming goats. Some laptops have been observed scuttling across the ceiling on hundreds of tiny tentacles. The cursor icon may also be replaced with a tiny pitchfork.

At stage three, the monitor may become a yawning gate to the nine burning hells. This is believed to be a side effect, as coders who have examined the virus report that its original purpose was to record credit card information and Steam logins.

While the source of the malicious attack is still unknown, all reported cases have come from email addresses ending in 666. If you have received such an email, you are advised not to click any links it may contain. Always examine your emails carefully to confirm they have come from a legitimate sender.

If you have already clicked the link in such an email, or otherwise believe your computer to be possessed, you are advised to contact a young priest, an old priest, and tech support.