Jennifer Lawrence will receive an Oscar for the next four years

Rising star reaps professional rewards for basically just existing

By Julia Siedlanowska, Staff Writer

Following her win for Best Supporting Actress at the Golden Globes just last week, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) has confirmed that actress Jennifer Lawrence is totally guaranteed to win an Oscar at the Academy Awards in March—and she will also definitely win an Academy Award every year for the next three years for at least one picture a year.

“We decided to skip the whole nomination process and just give her the award,” explained AMPAS member Wes Anderson. “It would be unfair to leave the competition wondering.”

“They’ve already sent me the little figurine…” said the talented 23-year-old actress, confirming the news.

The star has indeed exhibited untouchably amazing behaviour that should be rewarded. After winning at the Golden Globes last week, Lawrence was seen sipping cocktails before accidentally pushing Taylor Swift down the stairs. The incident, however, did not end as dramatically as some expected.

“It was ok! The fans totally loved it,” reported Swift. “Jen and I are totally cool. Although… she never does show up to my concerts.”

Lawrence was later seen waving to a particularly zealous crowd of The Hunger Games-franchise fans. The group consisted of about 50 people dressed in leather suits with bows and arrows slung on their backs. The fans carried signs reading “Free Lawrence” and “Down with Meryl.” The group was protesting the back-to-back filming of The Hunger Games series, calling it “inhumane” and citing director Gary Ross as a “slave driver,” for overworking his lead actress, who showed up with pneumonia at the 2013 SAG awards. The “Down with Meryl” signs remained largely unexplained, but it is suspected that these fans misunderstood Lawrence’s “I beat Meryl” comment from 2013.

With her quick rise to stardom, Lawrence has received praise not only from her fans, but also from fellow professionals. Donald Sutherland even compared her to Laurence Olivier, one of the greatest actors of the 20th century.

“Acting is her divine calling,” said director of American Hustle, David O Russell. “She is like a modern day Joan of Arc.”

“She is perfect for any role. She is just so perfectly perfect. The way her face does something, but at the same time isn’t really doing anything… it’s just brilliant! I can’t explain it, but I think she’s just fantastic,” added Ross.

Many have been curious about her technique. “I just do it,” replied Lawrence, snorting.

Delivering gripping performances in everything she does, this young star will no doubt continue to make waves in the future. In a recent interview with BS Weekly, Lawrence explained how she has always known she would succeed as an actress. “I always do what it takes—even if it means I have to cut a bitch.”