People who did not exist in the ’90s finally behind the wheel
By Chandler Walter, Assistant Editor
It has taken three weeks, but the general public has finally clued in to the dark and terrifying fact that yes, there are now Class N drivers that have the year 2000 as their birth year on their driver’s licences.
The Vancouver Police Department has issued a warning to all drivers that in the new year driving conditions are going to be icy, slushy, and riddled with drivers who had never experienced a world without the mobile phone.
“We just want drivers to be informed as to who they’re sharing the roads with, and what kind of hazards this could bring to Vancouver’s streets,” said police spokesperson Jim Knotrelly. “We know that it’s a frightening time to be driving, especially for the seniors out there, but we can assure the public that we are doing everything in our power to keep traffic as safe as possible.”
The police are not the only ones worried about the possible repercussions that come with a new year of untested drivers, as angry Facebook users have also voiced their concerns.
“I think everything is the fault of millennials, and now they’re going to be making our roads more dangerous as well,” complained one anonymous user, who was then told that the people in this age range (2000s and later) are actually referred to as Generation Z.
“God help us,” the user commented after making that realization. “Those damn millennials have evolved into something far more terrible than we could have ever imagined.”
“I don’t get what the big deal is,” said Chris Young, a high school junior who had his birthday this January. “I took all of the proper driving training courses, and I am really excited that I finally get to drive by myself!”
The fast and furious Young claimed to have driven to the interview on his own, though our Other Press reporter knew that this could not have been the case, as there was no trail of mutilated bodies or flaming, crashed cars to be seen.
“I don’t understand what everyone is freaking out about. I mean sure, I’m younger than most drivers out there, but I know what I’m doing and I am extra careful because I know I’m so new,” Young said.
While it remains uncertain if anyone who did not experience the first six seasons of Friends during their original broadcast should ever be allowed to operate a motor vehicle, one thing is glaringly true: We are all only getting older, and while we like to remain ignorant of our slow march towards the reaper, death will someday come to us all regardless.