College updates with the times
By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
Keeping up with student trends, desires, and behaviour is essential for the attractiveness of any post-secondary institution, and Douglas College is no exception. After analysis of feedback and demographics, the school has announced several institutional changes to come into effect this semester that better appeal to the current students.
Vapour lounge: Conveniently located next to the cafeteria and vending machines, this relaxation area features a wide assortment of bongs, vaporizers, and pipes for the indulgence of all students and faculty. Take another toke right before those stupid icebreaker games you play in the first week to loosen you up!
SkyTrain-to-College Chair Lift: Students who are too lazy or feeble to walk less than 100 feet up a slightly inclined hill once a day can now hook themselves up to a used chairlift supplied by the lowest bidder.
Used Textbook Auction House: No longer will students have to argue on Facebook about the cost of a used textbook that’s only had coffee spilled on it four times, or through angry texts with a stranger. Students can gather to throw print-outs advertising textbook costs on the ground and arrange for awkward SkyTrain meet-ups in person.
Rage room: Recently converted from the now-obsolete Douglas College bookstore, this room features an assortment of textbooks and school supplies surrounded by an arsenal of baseball bats, boxing gloves, and flamethrowers for user enjoyment. Students who cause the most damage to all things associated with academia are rewarded by a distrust of genuine education that will continue throughout their post-secondary career, in addition to continued anger management issues.
Fight Club: Instead of getting out their testosterone-fueled rage on the sports field or ticketed UBC frat party, young men of Douglas can now get their aggression out in the privacy of a college basement corner. Led by instructor Jack Durden, students are instructed in the essential college themes of existentialism, blind conformity, and how to properly quote the movie Fight Club.
Hookup room: Previously known as “anywhere in the school that’s not a classroom currently in use,” these area will include ample Netflix and chill areas, dimmed lighting, and CD copies of the Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack.
U-Pass replacement: Students who do not use public transportation now have the option to spend their $36.25 a month U-Pass fee on an “UpAss” fee, in which TransLink representatives forcefully insert a Compass Card where the sun doesn’t shine.
DSU for Sale: The now lightly-used Douglas Student Union has been placed in a thrift shop for resale, and it is expected to fetch a value of at least one mediocre barbeque meal per student per semester.