New metal band Iron Maiden forms

Reviews point to sub-par future at best

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Iron Maiden played a small venue shortly after forming this past Christmas, and many who were there do not believe that this small time metal band will ever make a name for themselves.

“It sounded like utter rubbish,” said music critic Allen Woodbury. “It just isn’t metal as it should be. They could learn a lesson or two from bands like Black Sabbath, or Led Zeppelin. This band is going nowhere fast. And what is with that name, Iron Maiden? That’s just not the kind of name that will catch on with the people.”

Iron Maiden band members reacted badly to their latest reviews, and have reportedly vowed to show their doubters wrong. “We may be small time for now, but just you wait!” said frontman Paul Day.

“We’ll probably just get rid of the singer,” said leader of the band and bassist, Steve Harris. “Like, within the year, he’s gone.”

Many critics are calling the music Iron Maiden creates “too loud” and “way too heavy for metal,” while at the same time praising the disco genre that has been emerging over the past few years. The subgenre of punk metal has also seen an increase of popularity, but according to experts, will soon fall fast.

Jim Sturgens, a musical analyst, explained that the direction of popular music is taking a turn away from conventional instruments. “With the new technology that’s being developed, all kinds of noises and sounds—and yes, even full songs—are being created using nothing more than computers. There is no more need for strumming on strings or blowing into brass tubes. Within the next 30 or 40 years, all music will be being created purely by computers, and it will sound better than anything that could possibly be done live. Hell, they’re coming up with a way to automatically tune a singer’s voice! Why would anyone listen to anything other than songs like that?”

Whether Iron Maiden will ever be able to find a niche in the changing music scene is still to be seen, but many, including Sturgens, are doubtful. “No one is going to want to watch sweaty, long haired men on stage. People want dancing, they want fun. This whole ‘metal’ thing is just a passing fad, and will probably be long gone in a few years from now. If they really want to make a name for themselves, they should just pull a Kiss—people love face paint.”