‘It’s too late for me’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Reporters were shocked last Friday when Howard Bexler, 28, took a controversial stand.
“I don’t know how to recycle,” Bexler announced, “and at this stage of my life, I’m not about to start.”
Bexler’s inadequacies were brought to light after his landlord took him to court. The crime? Hundreds of chili, soup, and bean cans were thrown willy-nilly into the yard trimmings bin.
“I know cans are recyclable, or at least beer cans are. Can’t they all be compacted together to make a car or a sculpture or something?”
Bernice Webber, head of Vancouver Recycling Services, explained that Bexler’s case (though embarrassing) was not rare.
“Most people don’t really know how to recycle or even know how it works. They have some vague notion of big cardboard boxes being broken down into smaller cardboard boxes or melting down plastic bottles into a Barbie doll. A lot of consumers bring the Disney movie Wall-E into their arguments. Wall-E has nothing to do with actual recycling.”
When Webber was asked just what recycling really entailed, she ended the interview a half hour early.
“I just remembered that I left a pot roast cooking in the oven,” she said, shoving her speech papers into her tote bag. “We’ll have to talk about this at a later time. No, I don’t know when that would be. And yes, I definitely know what recycling is and what specifically goes into those big yellow bags.”
“My parents always took care of the recycling when I lived at home,” Bexler said. “Then when I went to university, we would kind of just throw everything into a big bag and leave it in any open dumpster we could find. We would also leave bags of stuff in the alley, and after a while they would be taken away by someone, maybe a wild dog.
“I’m not proud of my past. But I won’t work to change the future. That’s just who I am.”
“My client is one of the many who faces discrimination from the green community,” Frank Jarvis, Bexler’s legal attorney, told the press. “Mr. Bexler simply has too much on his plate to worry about whether or not cardboard boxes have to be broken down, or which bin is for that sharp plastic that electronics are sealed in. Seriously, can that stuff be recycled? It’s piling up under my sink and I don’t know what to do with it.”
When it was suggested that Bexler could simply google how to recycle, or perhaps download one of the free mobile apps that explains where to place recyclable products, Jarvis dismissed the motion.
“Mr. Bexler is 28 years of age. His recycling years are long behind him. Besides, that’s what having a girlfriend is for.”