Illustration by Cara Seccafien
Use hot water, you filthy pig
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
According to science, absolutely everybody in the laundromat is looking at you and judging you whenever you stop in to wash your filthy clothes.
In a survey conducted of all the people nearest to the washing machine you usually use, 100 percent of bystanders watched you fumble through your overflowing bag as you attempted to cram it into the machine. The general consensus was that the bag appeared to be “too big” for the relative size of the washing machine, and several comments were made about the amount of laundry you had.
Thanks to modern technology, we were able to estimate that you hadn’t washed any clothes for approximately nine days, and there was a 30 percent chance you were wearing swimsuit bottoms as underwear.
According to a study conducted by the University of California, the tiny woman who is always working at the laundromat you frequent finds you slovenly and annoying. She also recalls the two times you paid for the “Wash ‘n’ Fold” service and exactly how soiled your clothes were when you brought them in.
Researchers also found that a total of 19 bobby pins, four shrivelled receipts, and $4.35 in change had been left in machines after you’d used them.
Ezra Gates, Dean of Sociology at Harvard, was one of many scientists who headed the investigation into your cleaning and laundry habits.
“The subject often wears an article of clothing only once before balling it up and shoving it onto a chair in the corner of their room. It is unknown if this chair has ever been used for sitting, or if it is simply a vessel to be filled with clothing. After the chair has been overfilled with clothes, they are then taken to be cleaned. Following a laundry cycle, the clothes are placed back onto the chair and are then mixed with soiled clothing.”
Gates added, “The dresser and closet were found to be barely used during this investigation, except for being crammed with clothes and other various objects five minutes prior to any love interests arriving at said room.”
Feeling inadequate? You should. Every mother who you ever saw at the laundromat took time out of their busy, child-rearing lives to speak personally to the head researchers. Their consensus? You are too old to not know how to separate colours.
“Of course it matters!” one mother said. “You can’t just throw everything in and hit ‘cold’ and expect everything to turn out okay.”
“I bet they think ‘permanent press’ actually presses their clothing and removes the need for an iron,” said another.
Further research is needed on whether you will ever be able to afford a place with an in-house washer and dryer unit.
“You’ll definitely never have a dishwasher in this lifetime,” Gates confirmed.
