Student sanely, successfully graduates college responsibly

Experts baffled at anomaly

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

A local college student’s recent accomplishment has sent experts from all across the world into a frenzy. In a move attracting the attention of representatives everywhere—from the Vatican to Ripley’s Believe it Or Not!—Timothy Gilmour, 22, is confirmed to be on track to receive his college degree on time with no issues whatsoever.

Gilmour entered into the Bachelor of Arts program only four years ago, officially declaring his intent to major in Communications with a minor in Marketing. Only eight semesters later, he is projected to become the first student in history to graduate on time with no change in major or mental health crisis. Even more shockingly, Gilmour has maintained a 3.5 or higher GPA throughout his academic path, and has no outstanding student loan debt.

He has attributed his success to things like “scholarships,” “clear goals,” and “responsible time management.” Although such concepts are considered foreign or even repulsive to the majority of college students, studies show that academic success is indeed linked to responsibility.

However, the student system anomaly does not have everyone applauding. Concerns about Gilmour’s success have been expressed by both his current professors and future employers. Sociology professor Glen Beckman was particularly bothered by Gilmour’s progress in his final semester. “He handed every assignment in on time! He double-checked with me about upcoming midterms and his current progress to ensure all his requirements were being met. He even visited me during my allotted office hours because he didn’t understand the material fully! Cooperative students—what was he playing at?”

Vibe Communications Inc. has been reviewing Gilmour’s resumé for consideration after his graduation. “I don’t understand it,” explained HR manager Greg Milton. “This graduate has no gaps in his academic record, has outstanding knowledge of the field, and even has internship experience. We’re just not used to hiring people with actual qualifications and relevant degrees. I really hope this is some sort of computer glitch. Competent graduates entering the workforce make all of us look bad.”

A paper analyzing the trend of Gilmour’s success—academically published by Gilmour as his senior thesis—suggests the anomaly is unlikely to occur again. The college system will continue to push out lazy, unmotivated, unstable, and degree-hopping graduates. Their disappointing and incompetent accomplishments are on par with the disappointment and incompetence of the academic system and job market beyond graduation.

One analysis for Gilmour’s strange story is the fact that he shot specifically for a Bachelor’s degree. Statistics show 95 per cent of students are not driven enough for a full four years, and instead pursue Associate’s degrees, certificates, or diplomas—pieces of paper that take just as long to obtain in general, but are significantly less useful.