Your horoscopes

We’re going to tell you how you’re feeling, to try to make you understand

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Here at the Other Press, we know the rules and we believe you do too. If you’re looking for a full commitment to your future, we guarantee that you won’t get it from any other paper. Without lying and certainly without hurting you, we plan to show you what you might be too blind to see.

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY…

Without realizing it, you are escaping what ultimately amounts to an incredibly lame, super outdated practical joke conjured up from the deepest recesses of an exhausted humour editor’s abyssal mind. Also, this is a good time to start planning for your retirement, even if you haven’t started your career.

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

“Never say never” is a phrase you have heard an awful lot over the course of your life! It’s stupid. It was originally meant to dissuade negative thinking, but in the Dadaist hellhole we’ve found ourselves in, learning to say never can be incredibly empowering. This week vow to say “never again” or “never, not even once” to at least one thing. Trust me. It feels great.

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)

Going somewhere? Maybe you should! Maybe you should go far, far away. Explore a wild jungle, or a tame savannah, or a moderately exciting museum. Just make sure to let everyone on Facebook know when you’re gone. While you do this, also include your address, and the location of your spare key (under a doormat works just fine). When you return from your trip, you will find that much of the weight of your material existence has been lifted from your shoulders!

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

GEMINI (May 22 – June 22)

To avoid making bad decisions this week, consult a trusted friend. Have them make the bad decisions for you instead.

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

Give generously to those in need this week. People in need include: Exhausted humour editors, people who wear blue lipstick, wine snobs, casual gamers, people with a nail polish obsession, and people whose full initials spell out “R. A. A. P.” Bonus if you find someone who falls into all of the above categories, as that hypothetical person accepts cash donations as well as free coffee, free wine, and free food.

LEO (July – Aug. 23)

You should inform your next of kin. Why? Well, that’s for us to know, and you to find out.

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Up ahead is a period of smooth sailing; that is, if you are specifically a sailor planning a sea voyage. For Virgos of any other profession, it’s going to be business as usual, for better or for worse… if you happen to be a businessperson, that is.

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

Never be afraid to admit when you’re wrong! Also, never be afraid to admit when you’re right. Additionally, never be afraid to admit when you do not have enough facts to form an opinion on a matter one way or another. Lastly, never be afraid to burst into tears and run away when you’re done answering a line of inquiry.

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

Going forward, you should be aware of the presence of dark forces and the impact they have upon your life. The impact is minimal to none, but we thought you should be aware, regardless.

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

To fully appreciate the glory and possibilities of this coming week, we suggest you spend it in bed. Preferably asleep. The dreams you have will not be prophetic or helpful in any way, but they will be very entertaining.

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Let someone in this week! We know you’ve heard them knocking outside your door late at night. We know you’ve heard the screams. Let them in, Capricorn… For the night is dark, and full of terrors…

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

You should know that we think you’re just swell, Aquarius! Keep doing what you’re doing.

(Unless it’s murder; the Other Press does not sanction murder. Not officially, anyway.)

 

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)

Down the line, there will be some tough choices to make: What will you do with your life? Where will you go for dinner? When will you tell them that it was you that did that horrible, unforgiveable thing? We don’t know the answers, Pisces. We suggest you invest in a Magic 8 Ball for counsel instead.