Sorry bitches, Isabelle out!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Family Day, schmamily dayâany stat holiday is wasted if Iâm not getting wasted with my friends. I donât want to use my precious, precious holiday time spending it with my family, for Godâs sakes! Donât waste Family Day (or any other day if you have better things to do then hear about your momâs friendâs sisterâs dog for hours on end) with the people who gave you life. Conveniently get out of it by using one of these five simple tips and tricks!
Work as an excuse
An easy and viable option since your parents see hard work and success as a sign that they made the right decision in birthing you. In fact, work is the only thing that theyâre really proud of you forâso why not capitalize on it? Explain to them in terse, harried tones (remember, youâre swamped!) how the boss needs you to cover and thereâs simply nothing else that could possibly be done besides you working for the next 27 hours straight. Dad will have tears of joy in his eyes!
Long-winded phone conversation
Though this method requires some vocal contact, you wonât be obligated to make another phone call home for around one and a half months or so. Feel free to rest the phone on your lap as your parents talk since they arenât really talking about anything other than the new drywall theyâre putting up in the office. As a plus, your parents arenât really interested in what youâre doing either, so you wonât be expected to reciprocate. Top the call off with a mumbled, unconvincing âlove you,â (donât wait to hear a response) before immediately smashing that END button. Youâre done!
Send message through sibling
If thereâs one thing that you and your siblings can agree on, itâs that your parents are whack. Try drawing out schedules that has you all trading off on holidays. For example, your sibling(s) can take Easter, Momâs birthday, and Grandmaâs upcoming funeral, while you take Dadâs colonoscopy, Labour Day long weekend, and you both come home for Death of the Family Dog. Send your good olâ bro (or sis, or sib) home with a half-assed â(your name) says hey.â Hopefully they wonât shoot the messenger!
Transit
Be it via roads, water, or planeâit doesnât matter! All parents have a natural tendency to hate any and all forms of transportation for reasons unknown to me (I have no children). Blame the faceless behemoth that is public transportation. Have to go home to Vancouver Island? Nuts! The sailing got conveniently cancelled! Guess youâll be having a Pirate Pak DoorDashed to your apartment instead. Flying out? Oh no! Flights are down for some reason. Looks like youâll be watching The Emoji Movie from the comfort of your own bed. Taking the bus home? I donât know, the bus isnât running or something. You get the picture.
Fake own death
Controversial? Maybe. But hear me outâwhat would a parentâs best present be? Answer: Their own child rising from the dead, of course (note: if your parents donât immediately provide this answer when asked, you are legally entitled to the sum of $300)! As an added bonus, you can decide how long you want to stay âdead.â Feel free to skip as many holidays as you want, until you decide to âoutâ yourself as being alive. My parents think I died in a tragic mall escalator accident back in 2013âand baby, Iâm just biding my time.
