Forever 21 does not guarantee looking forever 21

Where else can I get chemical-smelling, mass-produced horrible clothing?

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

Consumers were shocked beyond belief last Saturday at Richmond Centre.

Why? It was revealed at a press conference that despite the name of the popular store, clothing from Forever 21 did not, in fact, guarantee that the shopper would remain in a permanent stasis of being 21 years of age.

“No one is shocked more than me,” said brand spokesperson Julie Morissette, 42, who at the time of interviews was squeezed into a lurid, hot pink bandage dress and lime-green sneakers.

According to classified company documents that were leaked online, clothing from the fast-fashion brand primarily suits people from the ages of 13 to 20.

“Anyone outside of that age range wearing clothing from Forever 21 will look dated and sad,” Morissette told press. “You will not look young, sexy, and fresh, like that one cousin who has two private Instagram accounts that she won’t let you see.”

“We’ve never claimed that our clothing suspends the age of those wearing it or reverts their age back to their early 20s,” Forever 21 CEO Jack Griffiths said to reporters. “In fact, our clothing often has the opposite effect—a woman just 27 years of age can age herself as much as 15 years by wearing this season’s trend of shirts saying ‘YOU’RE LIKE, REALLY PRETTY’ in rainbow Comic Sans font.”

Consumers were shocked and appalled. Other Press reporters spoke to shoppers in Richmond Centre to hear their thoughts on the issue.

“I’ve never felt so betrayed,” said Mia Davidson, 29-year-old paralegal. “I was under the impression that when I wore my multiple neon yellow, lace-up front, cold shoulder tops, nobody would be able to tell that I’m old enough to start getting a pap smear twice a year. I thought I could pass for a college freshman!”

“When I wear my Forever 21 ankle booties and embroidered white T-shirt that says ‘Paris’ on the right boob pocket, I feel young and invincible,” said Samantha Dupliss, a 38-year-old mother of three. “It doesn’t matter that the shirt was already falling apart when I bought it, and that the 15-year-old girl working the changerooms was wearing the exact same shirt. I felt just as young and sexy as when my now-husband Paul knocked me up in the back of his father’s Jaguar.”

Interestingly enough, those younger than 21 felt the opposite effect.

“I can’t wait until I’m 21 and I’m allowed to pay my income tax,” said Daniella Long, 12. “I love to put on my spandex leopard skirt and pretend that I’m crying in the bathroom stall of my minimum wage job because my boss yelled at me, and I can’t quit because I’m trying to afford a plane ticket out to see my boyfriend in Montreal. He’s in an acting troupe and he’s definitely cheating on me with his co-star Dejan.”

Does this new information mean consumers will begin to boycott the chain?

“I know I won’t be going back,” Dupliss said. “This is making me shift my whole mindset towards timeless, long-lasting clothes that will allow myself to show the real me. That’s why from now on. I’ll be shopping at somewhere more age-appropriate—Brandy Melville.”